How to punish a child in order not to harm him?
- How to punish a child for bad behavior correctly
- Education: how to punish a child for disobedience
- How to punish children for disobedience: the advice of psychologists
The main purpose of the punishment is to show the child that there are actions that cannot be repeated. The decision on punishment should be made when the act is committed consciously. There are several general principles of punishment:
• Punishment should be directed at the act, not at the child. Children should know that they are loved and that they are not bad, but at the moment parents are scolding for some specific action.
• The child must have clear rules and boundaries. Discuss with your loved ones what is possible for the child and what is not, this will avoid situations in which what is forbidden by the parents is allowed by other relatives.
• Punishment should follow right after the action and be justified. Do not scold the child for what was committed enough time ago.
• Measure the power of punishment with what the child has done. Do not be too strict, otherwise in the future the child will do everything to avoid responsibility.
• Do not arrange punishment in public, so you can humiliate the child. • Solidarity of both parents is important in punishment. If you do not agree with the punishment of your spouse, discuss it without a child.
• If you feel that you have punished the child unfairly, be sure to apologize to the baby, explain that you were wrong. Try to be calm. If you lose control, you can shout hard at the child or even hit. You yourself will regret and worry about this. If this does happen, be sure to ask for forgiveness from the child. If the behavior of children causes you to have anxiety and inadequate actions of the child are repeated again and again, then do not be afraid to contact a child psychologist. Often, a side view helps to resolve existing problems and help to adjust the child’s behavior.
Is the punishment of children justified?
A child whom mothers and fathers beat for any offense, constantly threatened to give Babayka or a terrible wolf, is left in a corner or a dark room for several hours, often boycotted for a long time, can without a doubt be called unhappy.
Such methods of education in the future will probably come back with a decrease in self-esteem, a sense of distrust of the world around us, and dislike.
It can be said that such disciplinary methods used by some parents cannot be attributed to upbringing, in fact it is ordinary cruelty.
However, absolute permissiveness is also not the best option. If a teenager or younger child has a conviction that everything is permissible for him and nothing will happen for him, then there will be no distinction between good and bad actions.
It turns out that the punishment is still necessary, but this understanding does not save parents from mistakes. For some reason, the grown-up children begin to remember how they were shouted at all, slapped unjustly with a belt or put in a corner "just like that."
Unfortunately, most children do not do something, not because they understand the futility or short-sightedness of their act, but because they are afraid of being caught and of appropriate punishment.
According to psychologists, adequate punishment has several important tasks, among them:
- correction of dangerous or unwanted child behavior,
- control over previously defined boundaries,
- support of parental authority,
- compensation for damage caused by the child,
- prevent unwanted behavior in the future.
From what age can children be punished?
As evidenced by age psychology, kids under two years old cannot grasp the connection between their inappropriate behavior and disciplinary measures on the part of parents.
Despite the age peculiarities, strict and clear prohibitions should appear in the life of infants, which, however, should not be supported by corporal punishment. For example, a child cannot be beaten by mom or shove fingers into a socket.
Children of one - two years also should not be punished. At this age, parents are better off using simple distraction, shifting the child’s attention to another object or phenomenon. You should also explain the undesirability of this or that behavior, intonation highlighting the words "no" and "no".
At about 3 years old the child enters a crisis period, so the parents face protests, the first tantrums, unwillingness to obey the general rules.
It is not always possible to distract the child, and the punishment is the termination of the game or the refusal to acquire the required toy.
The first punishments are introduced from three to five years, since it is during this period that the basic rules and disciplinary measures are established. It is at this age that the child begins to stand in a corner or sit on a chair for the guilty.
After 6 to 7 years, corporal punishment should be abolished, if used before, as children begin to feel humiliated by these measures. On the contrary, parents should discuss misconduct, explain with examples the motives of human behavior, develop sympathy.
Common causes of child disobedience
Many parents are convinced that their children do not obey because of harm, bad character or unwillingness to compromise. However, the motives and prerequisites for the "unworthy" childish behavior are actually many.
- Age crisis. Psychologists identify several crisis periods in a child’s life: 1 year, 3 years, 7 years, 11–13 years (approximate terms). At this time, changes occur in the psyche and physiological development of children, as a result of which behavior may change for the worse.
- Excessive bans. With many restrictions, the child may protest, seeking greater freedom. To understand how many prohibitions in a family, it is worth counting how many times you pronounce the word "no" within a day.
- Inconsistency. Some parents behave inconsistently, today resolving something, and tomorrow already banning exactly the same action. Naturally, the child is lost in the landmarks, commits an offense, but does not understand why and why he is being punished.
- Inconsistency between words and actions. Sometimes children behave incorrectly, because parents promise, for example, to punish for something, but do not keep their word. As a result, the child ignores the instructions of the parents and treats them frivolously.
- Different household requirements. Such a reason is possible when the family does not establish a unanimous opinion about the prohibitions and permitted actions. For example, the father has strict requirements for a teenager, but mother, on the contrary, pampers him. In this case, the child may violate the "law" in secret, hoping to protect the mother.
- Disrespect parents. The child grows, but the parents continue to treat him as a silly person, they refuse to recognize him as a person. Not surprisingly, the teenager begins to protest, to violate the requirements and prohibitions.
- Inattention. Often, children behave incorrectly only in order to attract parental attention. Their logic is simple: it’s better to punish a mother for a misdemeanor than not to notice and ignore at all.
Why not punish a child?
Experts recommend adults to build a kind of gradation of misconduct and disciplinary measures. This will help to understand why children should not be punished, and when the introduction of "sanctions" is justified and, moreover, necessary.
Punishment is permissible if the child deliberately commits a prohibited act. The degree of disciplinary action will depend on the severity of the "atrocity" committed. For example, the theft of money, beating a brother or sister, willful leaving the house.
Before punishment, it is still necessary to identify the motive of wrongdoing in order to make sure that such a serious act was committed maliciously, and not out of knowledge, by chance or from good wishes.
It is not recommended to punish the child:
- for the pursuit of knowledge: jumping in puddles (to check their depth), disassembling objects (even if expensive) into parts, researching one's own genitals,
- for particular age and physiology: inability to go to the pot, for hyperactivity, low level of attention, poor memory, problems falling asleep,
- for behavior due to illness: neurosis, psychiatric diseases,
- for natural emotions: rebellion of three-year-olds, envy of other people's things, zealous manifestations of a brother or sister,
- for careless acts: got dirty on the street, spilled milk in the kitchen.
No, because the act was initially positive, and the child proceeded from the best of intentions. On the contrary, the child needs to sympathize, support and help, prompting how to avoid such blunders in the future.
Opinion of Dr. Dobson
The author of several popular books on parenting, James Dobson, is a famous Christian psychologist from the United States.
You can treat his views differently (Dobson is a supporter of physical punishment), but he formulated 6 principles that deserve a separate discussion.
- First of all, it is necessary to establish boundaries, and only then require their observance. Only in this case the child will consider the punishment fair. The conclusion is simple: if the parents did not stipulate the rules, they cannot be demanded.
- If children behave defiantly, need to act decisively. Helpless parents' behavior, inability to repulse a small “aggressor”, unwillingness to go into conflict is perceived as weakness, as a result of which the authority of an adult is reduced.
- It is necessary to distinguish self-will from irresponsibility. If the child has forgotten the request or did not understand the requirements, you should not be punished. Children's thinking and memory are not as developed as in adults. So irresponsible behavior requires patience, not punishment.
- It’s only worth asking what the child can actually do.. For example, you should not punish children for soaking a bed or a broken toy. After all, this is either a feature of development or a cognitive process, so it’s worthwhile to take philosophical failures.
- Parents should be guided by love. Before applying disciplinary measures, you need to understand the situation, remain calm and remember your warm feelings for the child. Only in this case it is possible to justify parental rigor.
- After punishment and exhaustion of the conflict situation need to console a teenager and explain the motives of your act. The parent should make peace with the child, tell you that you love him and have negative emotions because of the need to punish him.
9 general principles of "correct" punishment
Another task of punishment is to help children understand their feelings and committed act, and also avoid repeating such mistakes in the future.
In order for “retribution” to have a positive effect, it is necessary, regardless of the age of the child, follow some rules:
- Observe the sequence. Punishment should follow the same deeds. Also, do not ignore child disobedience, even if you have no time or you do not know how to behave in this case.
- Consider the severity of misconduct. A little self-indulgence or a first time offense should only be worth a warning. Bad behavior (malicious or intentional) should be followed by a serious reaction.
- Limit the duration of the sentence. Always report the duration of the disciplinary measure, otherwise the child will soon lose the relationship between the violation and the restriction, which lasts a whole month.
- Act calm. First of all, you need to calm down, and only then approach the choice of punishment. Otherwise, inadequate measures may be taken.
- Reconcile with your spouse. To eliminate manipulations, it is necessary to coordinate all the rules, restrictions and penalties with the husband or wife.
- Show a positive example. In order for the child to behave correctly, you need to show patterns of desired behavior. Politeness, honesty are welcome.
- Consider the features of the child. For example, a melancholic person should be punished less severely (or differently) than a sanguine person. Also consider the age of the offender.
- Punish the child alone. This should be praised in public, but the punishment should apply only to you and the child. Such privacy is necessary not to injure children's self-esteem.
- Develop a ritual of reconciliation. It will be useful to develop a special ceremony, which will mark the end of the punishment. For example, you can read a poem, weave little fingers. The latter option, by the way, is even good for health.
Constructive methods of punishing the child
So, the basic rules for applying disciplinary measures are known. It now remains to figure out how to punish the child and what loyal punishment methods can be included in your parental arsenal.
- Denial of privilege. This method is especially suitable for a teenager. As a punishment, you can use the restriction of access to a computer or TV.
- Correction of the accomplished. If the child intentionally painted the tabletop with a felt-tip pen, hand him a rag and detergent - let him correct his misconduct.
- Time-out. A small "hooligan" is put in a separate room for a few minutes (one minute per year). The room should not be toys, laptop, cartoons.
- Apology. If your child has offended anyone, you need to make him apologize and, if possible, correct the situation. For example, draw a picture instead of a torn picture.
- Ignoring. It is more suitable for small children, but too often this method cannot be used. Refuse to communicate with the harmful child, leave the room.
- Gaining negative experience. In some situations, you need to allow the child to do what he wants. Naturally, you need to make sure that the child does not hurt himself.
- Restriction of communication with peers. In the case of serious misconduct, it is worthwhile to introduce a “curfew” for a short time, limiting the child’s communication with his buddies.
- Empowerment. In response to his misdemeanors, his parents assign him “community service”. This may be an extraordinary washing dishes, cleaning the living room, etc.
Knowing how to punish a child is really important. However, it is necessary to understand that there are certain taboos in the selection of disciplinary measures.
Improper behavior of adults can lead to protests, difficulties in learning, isolation and the unwillingness of children to communicate with their own parents. Insults can go into the future.
What extremes should be avoided in sentencing? Experts advise to abandon several excesses:
- Humiliation. The chosen disciplinary measure should in no way demean the dignity of the child. That is, we can not say that he is a fool, a muddle, etc.
- Harm to health. It is not only about flogging, but also about such brutal methods of education as squatting, dousing with cold water, forcing to fast. You can not also put children on their knees in the corner.
- Simultaneous punishment for several mistakes. The correct principle is: one “sin” is one punishment. It is best to punish for the most serious offense.
- Public punishment. As already noted, punishment in public inflicts psychological trauma to a teenager or harms his reputation in a children's team.
- Unreasonable refusal of punishment. Be consistent: if you decide to take action, keep the promise. Otherwise, you risk losing credibility.
- Deferred punishment. You can not force the child to wait, to suffer because of the waiting for the inevitable "punishment", to imagine what is waiting for him. This is a kind of moral mockery of children.
Is physical punishment acceptable?
Probably, not a single question of parental upbringing methods provokes such heated discussion as bodily influence on a child. Many experts are categorically opposed to such a disciplinary measure, but some parents still use it.
Usually, mothers and fathers cite the following argument as an excuse: “My parents thrashed me, and nothing — grew no worse than the rest.
In addition, numerous Russian sayings and proverbs that favor flogging come to mind. They say, hit the child while it is across the bench ...
However, opponents of physical punishment provide other arguments that seem to be more "reinforced". Besides the fact that the punishment of a child with a belt is painful and offensive, one should also remember the likely results of such a method of education.
So, a consequence of the use of bodily exposure can be:
- injury to the child (due to excessive use of force)
- psychological trauma (fears, low self-esteem, social phobia, etc.),
- the desire to rebel for any reason
- desire for revenge
- spoiled parent-child relationships.
Thus, a father belt is not the best way to raise children. Cruelty will surely make itself felt, even if problems manifest themselves not now, but in a distant future.
An example is a situation where a frightened mother in the hearts slaps her young child, who ran out onto a busy road and nearly got under the wheels of a vehicle. Считается, что такое телесное воздействие не унижает детей, а привлекает внимание.
В качестве вывода
Punishment is an ambiguous method, so there are many opinions and judgments about the possibility and desirability of its use. It should summarize the above and voice the most important and useful thoughts.
- The ideal child does not exist. A kid is a person who has desires that do not always coincide with the requirements of the parents. The result of this contradiction is punishment.
- Children under the age of 2 to 3 years do not make sense to punish, because they still do not understand the relationship between their actions and parental influence.
- It is important to consider the possible causes of disobedience, sometimes the knowledge of the motives leads to the rejection of the use of punishment.
- You can not punish children for the desire to know the world, for the desire to help or careless actions. But malicious acts must be punished.
- All matters relating to disciplinary action must be coordinated with all family members.
- It is better to use constructive methods of influence on the child, which should help to correct children's behavior.
- It is necessary to refuse physical punishments (whenever possible), threats, offensive actions. Condemn need misconduct, not the identity of the child.
However, to go too far with disciplinary measures should not be the best way to explain to a child without shouting and punishment, why his behavior is wrong and how to behave in a given situation. Parental advice, pronounced with respect, will surely be heard by children.
10 rules for parents
- Be consistent. Use the same disciplinary action on the child when he behaves incorrectly. You should not arbitrarily change the rules of conduct or punishment without a clear-cut basis. Do not ignore the misdeeds of children, even if it is difficult for you to do something with them.
- Define clear boundaries. Give the child an idea of how to behave, and how - it is impossible, from an early age by establishing clear boundaries of what is permitted.
- Relate punishment to wrongdoing. Little pranks or, for the first time, perfect misconduct deserve only warnings, but deliberate disrespect or aggressive behavior will require a serious reaction. Keep in mind that children are not perfect and learn from mistakes, but they must understand that their bad behavior is unacceptable.
- Do not punish for a long time. The child will lose the connection between the offense and the ban on watching TV if it lasts two weeks. Punishment should be short-term, but effective.
- Keep calm. If you are constantly angry and raise your voice to the children so often that it has become commonplace, your anger will no longer act on them. It turns out that you will need to scream even louder for them to notice you.
- Perform a united front with your spouse. Coordinate with the husband / wife general rules of conduct and punishment for children. The child quickly realizes that one of the parents can forgive him, and begins to manipulate him. Lack of consent can cause problems not only with the offspring, but also in your relationship with your spouse.
- Be a positive role model. Never forget that children learn by looking at you. Make an effort to be polite, hardworking, honest, and perhaps there will be fewer reasons for punishment.
- Do not forget to encourage for good behavior. Disciplinary action is only part of the educational process. In addition to punishment for misconduct, take the time to reward such good behavior as kindness, patience, accuracy, diligence.
- Tell about your expectations. It is important that the child knows what you think is good and bad behavior, and also understand what the consequences will be for breaking the rules. If he is old enough, then he can choose the reward for good behavior, if it is appropriate.
- Consider the age and temperament of the child. No two children are exactly alike. Therefore, one cannot influence the same disciplinary methods on a three-year-old and a seven-year-old child. If you grow up a little melancholic, then the threats can harm his psychological health.
Ways of constructive and loyal punishment
- Deprivation is pleasant. If the child received a bad grade for not doing homework, you can restrict access to video games for the weekend. It is important to deprive of privileges, and not basic needs. Depriving a TV or meeting with friends is one thing, but sleep deprivation or refusal to feed is already ill-treatment.
- "Correctional work." Adults for breaking the rules pay fines or community service. Why don't you transfer this practice to a child? If he consciously draws on the table, let him wash it. Just do not overdo it. Ideally, work should be seen as a blessing, and not as a punishment.
- Time out (break). The child is offered to sit in a separate room or on a chair in a quiet corner and think about his misconduct. Try to find a place where there is no TV, toys or computer. You can not lock it in a dark room, so as not to harm the psyche. The amount of time spent in a timeout depends on the seriousness of the “wrongdoing” and the age of the child. The general rule is approximately one minute per year.
- Personal apology. Asking for forgiveness from the one whom he offended is not just a constructive punishment for the child, but also preparation for adulthood. If the child cut the flowers in the neighbour's flower bed, make him apologize. For additional effect, let the child on Saturday help put the flower in order.
- Ignore. Children often indulge in to attract the attention of adults. Should not succumb to provocation. Explain to the child that if he continues to mischievous, then you will not talk to him. In the case of a protracted tantrum, you can get out of the nursery, ceasing to communicate with the baby until the scandal ends. Be careful, because the long-term deprivation of parental love turns into torture. We also read:how to respond to the whims of a child
- Check on your own experience. Let your child make sure your demands are fair. Ran through the puddles - as a result of sniffing and bed rest. But you should know the measure with the consequences of negative actions so that the child does not cause himself real harm.
- "Temporary arrest." If a teenager has committed a serious offense, you can limit his communication with friends: do not let him on a birthday or party. It is impossible to apply this type of constructive punishment constantly, as in adolescence friendly relations with peers are very important.
- Tale instead of punishment. To learn the rules of behavior, read the child fairy tales that will allow him to understand and feel that others have such experiences and problems. Through fabulous images, children are offered ways out of difficult situations, ways to resolve conflicts. At the end of each story, the hero (and therefore the child) understands that this can no longer be done. We read article:the influence of fairy tales on the development of children
How can you punish a child in disobedience
First of all, you need to understand that there is a clear prohibition in the process of education, which in no case can not be violated - physical punishment is unacceptable! Regardless of what your child has done, force cannot be applied to him in any way. Even if children become too stubborn, all their actions are committed intentionally, while no persuasion does not work, you still need to look for other ways of punishment, you need to find those words or actions that can affect the child’s behavior. It is better to study the special literature, which will tell you how to punish children for disobedience.
Prevent the wrong actions and actions of the child should be immediately after you notice them. Before punishment, you must be absolutely sure that your child has committed a particular bad deed, and your actions will be lawful, because otherwise the punishment will have the opposite effect. And then you will begin to think about how to punish children for disobedience, constantly.
Is it always necessary to punish children for disobedience
Sometimes parents confuse intentional whims with whims because of indisposition, hunger or thirst, and very often babies behave like this after an illness because they feel weak. This can be expressed as follows: during lunch they want to sleep, and during the daytime sleep they feel a surge of strength. In this case, you can not punish the child, because the change in the mode of the day is unintentional. Therefore, you first need to find out what they are striving for before punishing children for disobedience. Komarovsky says: you need to explain to kids that their moods only upset their parents.
From what age can you punish a child?
Psychologists say that punishing a child under the age of two and a half does not carry any meaning. The child does not realize that he has done a bad deed, but will think that parents have suddenly ceased to love him, because they prohibit him from playing the usual games that he has previously played. Yes, the child understands that this toy is broken or the wall is stained, but he does not understand that it is impossible to do this and does not feel guilty for himself, therefore parents are advised not to punish the child until that age. No need to think about how to punish children for disobedience, just need every time the child to explain the consequences of his behavior, for example, that the plate can break if you throw it away, the toy can break and the child can no longer play with it.
At this age, your own example will be effective. Parents can show what actions will delight loved ones, and which will grieve them.
Only when the child reaches the age of 2.5-3 years old does a child slowly begin to independently manage his actions and behavior. But this does not mean that you need to immediately indulge in all serious and punish the baby. And at the specified age it needs to be done correctly. First of all, you need to calm down. In no case can not scream. Try to tell the kid the reason why he is wrong, strictly but calmly. Just a year later, the child will be able to independently distinguish good from bad actions. In the event that you punish him correctly, he will be afraid of your anger, and he himself will admit everything. That is why you need to know how to punish children for disobedience.
Remember also about the peculiarity of three-year-old children to go against their parents, not because they want to annoy you, but because they begin to feel their independence and try to show it.
How to punish a three year old child
When choosing the punishment of a child at this age, consider the fact how much you have your emotions at the moment, whether you can listen to your baby, if you can give enough time for him to deal with the situation.
When reaching three years old, the child begins to be actively interested in the outside world. If before it was enough for him to just feel something, now this interest is more global, and the main question becomes “Why?”. He is still not able to understand why you can not draw with pencils on the wallpaper or pull the cat by the tail.
General rules of punishment
There are certain rules of punishment, the observance of which will help to achieve the desired effect and not spoil the relationship with the child. They do not depend on the age of the baby.
The first rule is that you can not break the anger on the child. Regardless of the size of the offense, the punishment must be calm and balanced action. Only in this way it will have sufficient force. With the breakdown of malice any punishment becomes unfair, the child will definitely feel it. He does not consider such punishments serious, he will simply be afraid of your cry, he may cry, but he will be sure that you are wrong, which means that he will not change his behavior.
Punishment must necessarily comply with the act. It should not be too soft or too serious. To do this, you need to carefully analyze the situation, in addition, it is recommended to take into account many factors, for example, repeated punishment for a similar offense should be more severe than the previous one. If the child understood his guilt, sincerely repents, then the punishment may be conditional.
In the event that several family members are engaged in raising a child at once, all of them should have the same opinion about punishment. For example, if the dad punishes, and the mother constantly regrets, the child will understand that he can always escape from the punishment. Therefore, before this, parents should better consult and come to a common opinion.
Punishment is a way to demonstrate to a child the consequences of his bad deeds. It should not be aimed at deterring the baby, he must realize that it is impossible to do so. Sometimes it is not necessary to constantly think about how to punish a child for disobedience (10 years - when this age is reached, a person can clearly understand the causal relationships, and thus the punishment will be effective), but rather find out the reasons for this behavior.
What happens if children are not punished?
Many modern parents believe that the happy childhood of a child is connected with the absence of punishment. They live in the hope that the child will outgrow their bad behavior, with age it will understand everything. This opinion was the American pediatrician B. Spock. He believed that children demanded respect, recognition of natural needs, and considered punishment mental abuse. From the child, therefore, the responsibility was completely removed. However, this method of upbringing leads to the fact that parents go on about their own child. Yes, the baby himself is so much calmer to live now, in a world where mother is responsible for everything, but as he grows up it becomes much more difficult for such a child to adapt to society.
The main purpose of punishment
Proper punishment allows the child to form an idea of the limits of what is permitted, to avoid selfish, disrespectful attitude towards other people, and also help the child to learn how to organize himself. The lack of punishment will lead to the fact that parents for a certain time will simply accumulate in themselves anger, negative emotions, which sooner or later will still result in punishment. It is most likely that this will be the use of force, which will be a tragedy for the child.
If the child is not punished, he will not feel caring for himself, since he is quite likely to believe that parents do not care what he does. Parents' indulgence does not lead to behavior change, but only to conflicts. Therefore, in the child's life must be certain rules, restrictions and prohibitions.
If there are too many punishments
Equally, the absence of punishment and their excessive amount does not lead to the desired result. In the family where the child is punished too often, there are two ways of personal development. Or he grows up intimidated, anxious, non-self-sufficient, he does not understand what can and cannot be done. Or the child may not comply with the norms, rebel, as a result of which asocial behavior is observed. Both the first and second options are an example of a person with psychological trauma. For a child who is often punished, parents will hardly be able to find an approach, and as a result, difficulties will arise in accepting responsibility, self-esteem, and realization of oneself as an individual.
Purpose of punishment and reasons for disobedience
What are the goals most often pursued by parents, punishing children? For this they have 2 main reasons:
- the desire to correct the behavior of the baby so that it falls under the generally accepted ideas of adults about what is right,
- an attempt to explain the hostility towards the child.
In the first case, adults almost always fail, in the second, on the contrary, they succeed. This is because they do not know how to punish properly.
A fairly common situation when a child does not want to comply with the existing rules. Disobedience is associated with the following points:
- Check the tiny boundaries. They are simply necessary for the child, as they make him feel safe, however, from time to time he has a desire to test their strength - he does this by resorting to refusal or simply does not obey. Parents should be ready for this and show firmness and inflexibility.
- Lack of attention. This happens when parents are very busy and stop paying enough attention to the crumbs or during a period of serious changes in the way of life, such as moving or attending kindergarten. At this time, the child needs additional communication. Otherwise, he will begin to show his displeasure in the form of unwillingness to eat, refusal to go for a walk, and similar whims.
- Excessive excitability and aggressiveness. Usually, children who spend most of their time playing computer games or watching cartoons, especially with elements of aggression and cruelty, suffer from this — the brain gets too much information that it cannot process.
Чем грозит отсутствие наказания?
Согласно утверждениям известного педиатра и автора многих бестселлеров о детях Спока, ребенок со временем должен сам все понять и перенять общепринятые правила. Однако на практике такой подход оказался абсолютно несостоятельным. Naturally, from the point of view of the child, he is very convenient, since the solution of all problems falls on the shoulders of parents, starting from guarding from potentially dangerous things in infancy and ending with financial assistance in a more mature age. In addition, they do not scold you, there are no punishments and you are always treated favorably. Parents look at it differently. They have to constantly hold back their negative emotions and accumulate them inside. As a result, 99% of a hundred sooner or later a nervous breakdown occurs, then all the accumulated negative falls on the child, and the longer the parents suffer, the stronger the consequences of an emotional outburst. Such an overstrain is negatively reflected in their mental state.
There is an opinion that at the end of his life’s journey, Spock had changed his views on impunity. He concluded that punishment is a necessary part of the full and harmonious development of the child.
From what age can you resort to punishment?
For example, absolutely everything allows Japanese children up to the age of three. This attitude is explained by the fact that children begin to perceive themselves in isolation, as an individual only from 2.5-3 years old. The kid shows more and more independence, he speaks about himself in the first person. A signal that the crumb has moved to a new, more active stage in the formation of personality can be a phrase like “I myself”. Moreover, during this period he already understands the causal link between misconduct and punishment. Such permissiveness has every reason to be, but parents must have enormous patience and ability to shift the attention of the child.
Japanese children under five do not know of no refusal of anything - this is a national feature of education
However, this method does not exclude the need to raise babies before this date. A one-and-a-half-year-old or two-year-old child should not be allowed to beat, bite, pinch, hurt others, try to stick his fingers or other objects into the sockets and generally perform unwanted actions. At a very young age, it is much easier to simply transfer children's attention and take something else. Punishment can also be disapproval from an adult.
In what cases can not resort to punishment?
In everyday life, parents often scold children for any reason, it is only the behavior of the crumbs to go beyond the desired, but not all the tricks deserve punishment, because a certain pampering and activity are a natural way of development for the baby. Attempts to fix it will only interfere and harm. The following are the cases when you should not punish the child:
- Activities aimed at the knowledge of the world. For example, a pussy tastes everything that picks up from the floor or on the street, explores rosettes, tends to climb high, draws on wallpaper and furniture, and the like. Instead of scolding the crumb, it is necessary to protect the child himself and valuables.
- Features associated with age. It is restlessness, inattention and poor memory.
- Physiology. These include sleep problems or lack of desire to eat cooked food. In such situations it is better to treat the crumbs with understanding and resort to various tricks to achieve the goal.
- Inexperience. The child is still in the process of realizing what is bad, what is good. He may well push another kid, repeating it for someone and not realizing that it is impossible to do this, he can take other people's toys without asking. Also, the inability to use the pot leads to many small troubles. You need to be patient and be condescending, until the crumb gets used to going to the pot.
- Carelessness Adults themselves can not remain clean and not get dirty all the time, and a small child in 2-3 years will have to fall, spill, drop and soil things, especially with all his activity.
- The manifestation of feelings. Jealous of a brother or sister, upset and not wanting to part, when mom and dad go to work or go to kindergarten - this is all the natural emotions of the baby.
How to show rigor while remaining loved?
Below are 6 principles of how to cope with the problem of punishing children from a popular book about parenting "Do not be afraid to be strict", written by J. Dobson:
- Establishing a framework. It is necessary to determine the least desirable actions on the part of the child and prohibit them - bites, sitting on cold ground and the like. No need to ban everything. The child needs space for games and its research activities.
- Requirement of executable tasks. It is useless to ask what the baby is not able to do. Accidentally broken cup or torn T-shirt is no reason to swear.
- Readiness for conflict situations and provocations from the child. You can not let him hurt himself and show his helplessness. So easy to lose credibility in his eyes.
- Irresponsibility does not mean that the child does not obey and requires punishment. There is nothing unusual in the fact that the baby can forget about the request and not follow the instructions. His memory is not yet so well developed compared to an adult.
- Reconciliation. Having executed the punishment, it is necessary to explain again, for what the offender was punished. It is also important to comfort the crumbs and assure their love.
- Punishment must come from love. Before resorting to punishment, it is important to understand and make a correct assessment of what happened, try to understand the child. This should be done in a relaxed state, without offending the crumb. Humiliation is hardly conducive to the education of the individual.
Different ways of punishing children
There are a number of principles in the punishment of children according to John Dobson. Among them:
- It is necessary to punish immediately after the offense. The child will be completely unclear the logic by which punishment can follow in an hour or even just the next day. This will be followed by the conclusion that he can be punished at any time and it doesn’t matter how he behaves now. That is, it loses any sense to behave well.
- Punishment must correspond to misdemeanor. It is better to determine in advance exactly how to punish a particular offense.
- It is important to explain the reasons for the prohibitions so that the crumb caught their essence, and not only experienced the fear of the consequences that the disobedience entails.
- The reason for the punishment of the child should not serve as poor health, mood or tired parents. You also can not be punished for what was not banned earlier. For example, if the child, while he was small, could not open the drawer with cutlery, and now he does it with ease, then first you just need to warn about the ban and explain it, only in a subsequent incident to resort to educational measures.
- Neglect of established rules should always be punishable and preferably the same way.
Other nuances in the punishments of J. Dobson
The following principles should also be followed:
- Do not frighten the child with punishment (we recommend to read: how to raise a child without shouting and punishment?). It is necessary for him to understand that disobedience is punished, but it should not be a means of intimidation. It will just make the prankster be smarter and more cunning.
- Do not use as a punishment intimidation by other people's uncles, aunts, police officers who will come and take away a naughty boy or girl - the child will think that he is not needed.
- Avoid criticism and insults baby. It is preferable to show dissatisfaction or express disapproval of the offense itself or violation.
- If the punishment is associated with a temporary ban on the use of goodies or the selection of privileges, it is necessary to specify the terms of its validity.
- Ignoring a child is akin to physical punishment, although some schools and educational methods justify such a harsh method.
- It is advisable to reprimand the baby one-on-one, rather than with outsiders. This will preserve his self-esteem and the psycho-emotional state of other children will not suffer either.
- All family members, without exception, must follow the established rules.
- A set of basic rules is better to print or draw together with the baby and stick it in a prominent place.
Reasons You Shouldn't Hit a Child
Many parents have a completely normal attitude towards physical punishment. This is especially in the order of things for those who were beaten as a child. In fact, to slap the baby on the pope, hand or give the cuff the easiest and fastest, and to control such a reaction is quite difficult. However, the use of force as a punishment is wrong for several reasons:
- The connection between the baby and the parent is broken due to physical impact. The demands of unquestioning obedience replace attempts to build relationships and understand the motivation of the child’s actions.
- Awareness of the tiny fact that power makes it possible to punish and beat weak people. In the future, this may also affect the parents themselves, and before that such attitudes will affect other children, and sometimes animals.
- Waiting for new physical punishments. When a child is constantly waiting for slaps on the pope and pain, he is in a state of stress, and this is fraught with enuresis, sleep disturbances, severe irritability and so on. As a result, the crumbs can form unsafe complexes and develop problems.
Loyalty in punishment
What more loyal methods to replace the usual punishment? For example:
- You should not send the guilty crumb to the corner, it is better to put him on a sofa or chair. While he is standing, many muscle groups are straining in him, which prevents him from calming down and thinking about how he acted. For sitting punishment, you can choose a particular chair, stool or chair. Initially, the crumb can slazit from the place, but you need to return it back. For babies, it is better to limit the time of punishment according to age: 1 year = 1 minute. If the rule is violated again, add one more minute. When punishing children 7-11 years old and older, one should not just sit them on a chair, but also advise them to think about their misconduct and come when they understand what is required to be done.
- In the book of psychologist N. Latta “Before your child drives you crazy” it is proposed to use a separate room for punishment. For safety reasons, there should not be any dangerous items in the child's reach. In addition, the room should be bright, and the parent should not continue to scold and read the baby from the door.
- Deprive of pleasure or privilege. For example, do not give your favorite sweets for one day or prohibit watching cartoons before going to bed. However, do not argue that such a punishment forever. Firstly, this is unlikely, and secondly, sooner or later, such promises fly out of the head, and the adult gives a treat himself or includes a cartoon. As a result, the child's parent ceases to enjoy such authority as before. In addition, you can not deprive the promise - this method is applicable only with the usual pleasures. You can not take away personal items or toys of the baby, so he may think that he does not own and will not take care of things.
- Easy disregard for tantrums. It should be close, but not to talk and not to look at the crumbs, until he calms down. After discussing the situation and find out why he did not obey.
Other loyal ways of punishment
The following are additional loyal measures to combat disobedience:
- Allow to do what is forbidden in the absence of harm to health. For example, if a child takes away toys from other children, they will simply stop playing with him. Such a method will help establish a tiny causal relationship, strengthen the authority of parents and contribute to the development of logical thinking.
- Use hilarious punishments for minor offenses. If a kid in shoes has run into a room, let him jump on one leg 10-12 times, saying that he will always take off his shoes in the corridor. Children who already know how to write can be forced to write rules on paper, but in this one should know the measure.
- Tell a story. Of course, this is not at all like a punishment, but it will rather easily and unobtrusively show the crumbs how to act poorly in a similar situation and what the consequences might be. You can choose a suitable story or cartoon from existing ones or come up with your own. With the help of fairy tales, the baby knows the world and learns to behave correctly.
Anyway, the method of punishing the child is completely dependent on the parents. If there is no confidence in the chosen approach, you can always turn to the help and assessment of specialists, go to psychologists for consultations, read the relevant books or just watch videos on the Internet devoted to this issue.
From what age can the measures be applied
Opinions of teachers regarding the age, "favorable" for punishment, diverge. Someone thinks that this is a threshold at 6 years old, someone is closer to figure 10. A child from the first moments of life absorbs the actions of adults, copies their behavior - this is how the living thinking creature in the world adapts. Therefore, from the very first year, you can tactfully begin to explain to the baby what to do is permissible and what is not.
It is not necessary to apply for this physical effects, even minimal ones: it is better with intonation, mimic to gradually lay the foundations of perception of reality in the child.
There is not such a huge difference between children and adults: the former sometimes are not fully responsible for their own actions, the latter - they know what is good and what is not.
If there is no adequate assessment of the situation, an understanding of what actions need to be responsible, no matter how many years the subject is 5 or 35, then this is an inferior, undeveloped creature “stuck” in the nursery group with a half-childly perception of the laws of the universe. As soon as the child began to speak, he became convinced that his opinion was listened to (and sometimes every whim rushes to fulfill), then it is time to accustom him to responsibility for the deeds.
And what will happen if you do not punish
What will happen if the punishment does not follow? Is this right or not? Such questions are inevitable, they come to parents regardless of age and experience, as well as the presence of children.
But somehow to influence the younger man, who does not obey for different (sometimes important for him) reasons, not one is brought up in a family, it is necessary. Impunity and its extreme form - permissiveness - gives rise to the “center of the universe” complex: I can do anything, just have to want.
A child “without a king in the head,” as they used to say in such cases before, will not be able to adapt normally to society. After all, he was taught that the only priority in the house, school, yard - he himself.
Conditioned reflexes are fixed not only in Pavlov’s dogs, but also in humans. The “correct” model of behavior establishes the framework of behavior: he went beyond them, made a fool of himself - work hard to answer. There is no punishment - there is no fear, the realization that with your misbehavior you cause harm to someone. Therefore, parents themselves, using their own experiences and feelings, should receive an answer to this complex, ambiguous question - what will happen if the mischievous child is not punished.
When it is necessary
It is difficult to balance on the verge of “punishing or not,” weighing up their own reactions and the motives of the child’s behavior. Perhaps, it is possible to unequivocally recommend punishment in the situation when the child rejects other measures (requests, attempts to distract, convince). With punishment, there will come a shock, an insult, perhaps even tears and hysterics, but at the same time an understanding of the boundaries, beyond which he cannot enter, will be fixed in the mind of the crumb.
This is easy to explain with an example: the child dabbled and, imitating the actions of adults, poured a lot of food into the aquarium for the goldfish. Mom explains to the baby that you can't do that. “When a fish eats a lot, it has a stomachache. Do you remember how your tummy ached and it was bad? So our fish will feel the same way. You don't want her to hurt, so don't do that anymore. ”
Punishment should become an example, “what to do is not necessary” to be stored in the child’s memory, to become the rule for the future. If parents notice that a boy or girl is trying to feel, define the limits of their impact on their parents (scream, show off - give a candy or a toy), disrespectful of adults, they will have to punish him for their own good.
Practice shows that children who from infancy believed in their influence on others, permissiveness, eventually grow into sociopaths and tyrants.
We follow important rules
To punish "correctly", with a pedagogical approach, moral is important. Before exposure, it is necessary to talk and explain what kind of misconduct, why loving mom and dad put the baby in a corner, deprived of watching cartoons or forced to go to sleep. The word has a powerful force, energy of conviction. С его помощью ребенку, как взрослому, рассказывают, к каким последствиям приведет шалость, грубость или отказ подчиниться требованиям взрослых.
Главные правила, на которых основана методика наказания, гласят, что:
- Наказанием нельзя пугать (не путать с предупреждением).
- Воздействие без объяснения причин (из-за плохого настроения, неважного самочувствия) не эффективно.
- Воспитание основано на системе, а не случайных повторениях.
- Crying, talking on high tones - a sign of weakness.
- Punishment for the sake of the fact of punishment is another reason to injure the psyche of the child.
Between the phrases "please do not do this because ..." and "here comes the Pope, he will punish you for sure" the enormous difference.
This is how a warning differs from intimidation: awareness of the fact that one evaluates one’s actions with regard to their correctness or incorrectness does not amount to threats pronounced in the appropriate tone.
Slapping or going to bed without a concomitant dialogue specifying the cause will also cause a negative reaction, a misunderstanding of what was wrong. In the head of the child should be formed clear rules of behavior. Any "exceptions" (today I will not scold you, we will postpone for the next time) cause chaos, a failure of attitudes and a loss of orientation in the logic of adult behavior.
Many parents wonder why you can not scream. A person in an agitated state controls himself poorly, makes mistakes, can slander too much or unknowingly hurt - this is the danger of talking on high tones, shouting. And finally, keeping the child in a state of constant anticipation of punishment for any, even petty, offense is the path to sadism and domestic tyranny, turning a child into a neurasthenic.
Every age has its own approach
The methods of punishment correspond to the age and sex of the child, the specific situation and the reason for the impact. In 1 year with the kids hold a conversation, guided by conviction. At an older age, it is appropriate to back up conversations with a deed: to deprive the right to communicate (not to talk for a certain period), not to let them walk, or to force them to remove the consequences of an active game (a broken flower).
Council Universal methods in pedagogy - a myth. Every age, individual case requires a specific solution. What works with the neighbor baby is not necessarily suitable for your own.
The impact measure is directly dependent on the child’s understanding of the degree of his guilt. If not, then the punishment will be ineffective. It is useless to peel a belt over a baby's pope for throwing toys away. To convince them to learn how to clean them is another matter.
For bad behavior
The most common form of exposure. The child often does not realize that he is doing badly because he does not have the evaluation criteria of good and bad. The task of adults is to gradually form the worldview, the value system and their own outlook on life.
It's a shame when everyone sits down to eat a cake or watch TV, and as a punishment the child is sent to clean up toys, sleep, in a corner. But if he “deserved it,” adults lucidly explained why it was they who deprived their pet of universal goods, then the punishment would be useful.
For bad grades
A measure ungrateful, but necessary. Often, the child is formed the wrong (absent altogether) motivation to learn. The logic is simple: I’m no sense from my grades, I’ll grow up to work like a dad (grandfather, brother), and they, too, didn’t study well at school.
The “right” motivation on the part of parents is: adults work and earn money, make key decisions, take care of small family members. Children study at school, put efforts to it, these are their duties. There are no other requirements for the child, he is not forced to cook and pay for vacation. So all is fair.
In any case, including in pedagogy, there are permitted and prohibited rules. Observe them is important to all - both children and parents. The degree of transparency of the requirements, the ability of parents to bring to the child’s mind their essence, to clarify, the result depends.
So, what should not be done under any circumstances:
- Punish "wholesale." The child broke the flower pot, and punished him for it, for not brushing his teeth (which was yesterday), as well as in advance, just in case.
- Behavior without rules. In order for the kid to understand why it is put in the corner, deprived of the TV and the campaign for his birthday, you need to announce the requirements.
- Pay back for what you did yesterday, a week or a month ago. What is the effect of this, if the child has long forgotten about it?
- Get out of yourself, scream. Raising your voice is a loss of face for an adult.
- Act independently from a spouse, grandmother / grandfather. Inconsistency leads to the emergence of contradictions, in the future, the child will learn how to flexibly manipulate the situation, taking advantage of it.
- Punish for saying goodbye to adults. This causes a conflict of child perception.
Corporal punishments are the most ungrateful, but used by parents. Slapping a 3-year-old kid with a belt on the pope is tough, impractical, but a teenager is just right. But any physical impact is a demonstration of strength, superiority, a reason to transfer the pope’s behavior to himself. Exceeding the dose of punishment leads to the opposite result.
There is nothing wrong with the “demonstrative” slapping of a naughty toddler, but putting it on stream is already nonsense. A conversation will be more effective in which the violator will be decomposed into the reasons for the punishment and its purpose.
A serious, “adult” conversation with a child at any age will give more results than other effects. In a word they hurt, inspire, cripple - there are many options. The purpose of punishment, reprimand is to clarify the fact of unacceptable behavior, as well as the inevitability of retribution. And it is fair when everyone plays by the same rules - both adults and children.
Deprivation of sweets and pleasures
The punishment of food (the deprivation of dessert, the promised cake, a common dinner) should be reasoned. You can not use this method all the time, so it loses its relevance. For the effectiveness of a car, it must be announced with the issuance of detailed explanations - why, for what and for how long, and this should be done in a calm, confident voice.
Labor, according to anthropologists, made of a monkey thinking creature. It is necessary to teach a child to work. This may be cleaning in his room, a trip with his mother (on his own) to the store, feasible help at the dacha. The best way to teach a boy or girl to work is his own example and compulsory communication, arguing his position.
It is very important to teach the child to apologize. An apology is a conscious admission of your wrongdoing, a public statement about it. Not every adult can force himself to do so. Therefore, children should develop a habit in themselves, having lost their temper, to ask for forgiveness from their mother (father, grandmother), the person to whom they caused discomfort with their behavior.
How to be strict, but not to lose confidence?
An adult “lost face” in the presence of a child risks losing his confidence. The task is to apply the same rules to yourself as to the baby. You need to ask only for their deeds, not for the past (future). And to talk with a small opponent "in an adult way", without lisping and indulgences, accustoming to responsibility and clear moral standards.
What are the "correct" ways of punishment?
Deprivation is pleasant. It is necessary to deprive of privilege, but not basic needs! Video games at the weekend, going to the movies, sweets.
"Correctional work" . For the "inspiration" we give an example of one mother of many children who solved the issue of punishment very creatively. Instead of punishments as such, they are "frogs". On the back of the postcard with the image of this living creature, there is a written “case”: sharpen pencils / remove toys on the shelf / vacuum and so on. At every fault, mother distributes frogs to children, by the way, they can choose or change them. If you ignore the "frogs" - fine: deprivation of computer games or sweets.
Time-out . This type of punishment is still popular in kindergartens, where for disobedience or misconduct offer to sit on a chair and think about their behavior. My son is an active assessor. I will not judge the effectiveness of the methodology, and I believe that there are children who can really realize the wrongness of their act, being in isolation and silence. But not in a dark room!
Personal apology. My spouse resorts to this method when, after having a conversation with his son about his misdemeanor, he completes the need to apologize to the person whom the son has offended, or to remedy the situation he has caused.
Ignoring . Often, pampering is a way to attract attention. Do not give in to the provocation and warn that if the child continues to behave in this way, you will stop talking to him. When my son has a tantrum, he does not make physical contact, is not ready to listen to arguments and cannot stop, I leave the room. After a while, the son calms down, and we discuss this unpleasant episode calmly. The extreme of this method is the game of silence, which traumatizes the child.
Natural punishment . We are not talking about the child with the tacit consent of the parent caused himself harm, but it makes sense to use the lessons of life, if you are sure that the child does not suffer seriously and will be able to draw the right conclusions. My daughter did not listen to my requests not to walk through the puddles without boots, and in the end I was abstracted: if you want, yes, please! Half an hour later she felt “uncomfortable” in wet shoes, and we went home, never reaching the guests, and then we treated a cold. The instructional speech was not useful.
"Temporary arrest" . For serious misconduct, being a teenager, I was deprived of walking and communicating with friends. It was once, and it worked. But if this type of punishment becomes regular, then all its meaning is lost, as was the case in my classmate’s family: he simply began to run away from home, despite the restrictions.
Tale instead of punishment . When characters experience the same difficulties and find themselves in situations similar to those in which the child is, it is much easier to understand the fallacy of their actions and find solutions with the fairy-tale hero. My children and I like the books of Stan and Jen Berenstein about the life of the brother and sister of the cubs. The son whenever he commits a misdemeanor, and I begin to reprimand him, forgetting about all his pedagogical promises, says: "Mom, but let's better as if I am a bear cub Vova, and I was wrong, and then the whole story!"
At the end of this article we summarize the important rules of punishment: