Husband's children from the first marriage: problems in communication, relationships, advice from psychologists
Not all men manage to save their first marriage. Some families fall apart when relationships come to a standstill for various reasons. Children suffer the most - they are forced to be "between two fires." If a man decides to remarry, his second wife is also not easy - you have to communicate with the children of her husband from his first marriage. Unfortunately, not all girls manage to find a common language with them. How to learn to get along with children from the first marriage of the spouse? How to take them? How not to allow negative emotions to destroy their own family?
Communication of the husband with children from the first wife - what could it be?
When a man starts a new family, conflicts often arise between the parties. Children suffer the most in this situation, and it doesn’t matter who they stayed with - with mom or dad. A new husband’s companion is unlikely to be able to immediately fall in love with other people's children, which is why they are doubly difficult. And with what situations the second spouse can face?
- Children from the first wife live with their mother, and their father continues to maintain relationships with them - comes to visit them, takes them to her during the holidays, gives gifts. The new wife has to endure frequent visits of children and to flirt with them, although in her soul this situation is annoying,
- Dad does not communicate with children from the first family, does not participate in their upbringing, and the former wife torments with calls, demanding participation in their lives. It drives out both the man and his new spouse,
- If the child has already matured, he visits his father in his house, sometimes it remains to spend the night. The new wife does not like it, but she cannot influence the circumstances
- The children remained in the care of her husband and live with him (at will or by court order). Then the new companion will take on their education.
The current wife must make every effort to maintain the relationship of the father with his children. To promote this, one should avoid wrong behavior. Which one
- You can not forbid them to see
- Do not get annoyed when children come to visit dad,
- Do not make scenes, accompanying them with the words: "Whose children are more important to you?"
- Do not be jealous of her husband’s ex-wife, do not upset anger and irritation on his children,
- Do not commit rash acts that would lead to a break in relations.
How should a new spouse act in order to preserve peace and love?
- When the husband's child comes to visit, try to help the spouse to accept him well,
- To remind when a child has a holiday or any significant event,
- Trying to create a pleasant atmosphere at home so that father and children can comfortably communicate. Positive emotions will help children more easily endure the divorce of parents
- If the child lives with his dad, the new wife should accept him as his own. It is important to learn to calmly respond to visits and calls of the former spouse, because she is a mother, her participation in the life of children is necessary,
- To accept the fact that the child from her husband's first marriage is part of his life cannot be changed. There are only two options - to take a spouse with his children or look for a man who is not burdened with past relationships,
- To treat him and his children with equal love and care, to equally share gifts, food and clothing, to create the same restrictions for all.
How to stop experiencing jealousy and hatred of her husband's children?
Why can the second wife feel negative feelings towards her husband's children - anger, hatred and jealousy? There are several reasons for this:
- The woman does not have a child.
- She does not like children at all.
- New wife is jealous of the former.
- A woman does not want to share her husband with anyone at all.
- Greed - you have to spend a lot of money on keeping a child.
- Insult - the girl believes that her husband is more concerned about the welfare of his children than her own.
How to cope with these emotions?
- It is important to realize that a man will not be able to erase the children from his first wife from his life, he will keep in touch with them - see, call, buy gifts. There are situations when fathers end all relations with their former family, but this rarely happens.
- Never ask your husband to choose between you and his child, more often the choice will not be made in your favor.
- Try to find an approach to his children, try to be a friend to them. The spouse will certainly appreciate this, he will be happy, knowing that you love his children as your own.
- If you have negative feelings for his ex-spouse, do not throw them out on children.
How to build friendships with children from her husband's first marriage?
The main thing is to put yourself in the place of a child - imagine what it is like for him in a new family? It does not matter whether he lives here permanently or comes to visit dad. He looks like a little kitten lost in an unfamiliar place. If scandals and scenes often arise in your home, and discontent over the former family is expressed, then the children seem to be "at ease". But after all, your main task is to gain their authority to create a relationship of trust. How to do it?
- If the child is open to talking with you and is easy to contact, do not push him away. He should not think what is stopping your relationship with his dad,
- Children have the right to be jealous of your father, because you came into his life later. Show in practice that you do not fill all your spouse free time. Help your spouse to organize joint walks with your son or daughter, and gradually join the company yourself. Pleasant moments together bring people together
- Living in the role of a good stepmother, do not overdo it. No need to lisp with the child, to stretch a smile, to overwhelm him with gifts and to convince you that you are delighted with him. Children always feel false. It is clear that it’s almost impossible to fall in love with an alien child right away, but you shouldn’t play to the public either. Act carefully and gradually. Step, the other, the third. Over time, you will get used to each other,
- Do not put the interests of your children above the interests of your spouse's child. Treat everyone equally, although it is not easy
- Accept the fact that the husband continues to communicate with the former wife - this is necessary and inevitable. Tame your jealousy, it is meaningless, because the man has already made a choice in your favor. If you do not destroy the relationship with stupid acts, the husband will love you.
What should the father do to keep the relationship with the children from the first wife?
Men with high self-esteem may not experience discomfort from the realization that two women are competing because of him. If this situation did not affect children, it could not be taken into account. Therefore, a man who married again, and now he has children in the first and in the second family, you need to behave properly. What should he remember and how to act?
- Respect the feelings of the new spouse. Communicate with the former so as not to give rise to new flashes of jealousy,
- To become a good father for children from both the first and second marriage, to give them the same support, to devote time to each of them,
- If you are offended at the first wife, this is no reason to leave the children, because they love you as before,
- Whatever the "contagion" of your ex, be above this situation: never say anything bad about her - neither your children who are in common with her, nor the new spouse,
- When a new companion tries to make friends with your children, find a common language, give her support. It’s really hard for her to hold offense and pacify her jealousy,
- Create a relationship so transparent with your ex-wife so that the current one can be completely confident in you. So you will avoid misunderstandings and quarrels on the topic: “Again did you go to your ex?”, Then you no longer have to explain that the mother of your children asked to help her with the child.
Let the children and not your family, and husband, you are able to make them happy. Try to build good and strong relationships with them, then real peace and harmony will reign in your family.
A jealous husband to his child from his first marriage ...
I have a terrible feeling of jealousy about my husband's child from his first marriage. I say nothing to my husband, but inside me there is a flame of jealousy. And I myself can not understand why. The child is already big, 10 years old. But my husband spends his time and attention on him. And it hurts me. I read an article about the fact that it is good that a man communicates with a child from his first marriage, but this does not reassure me ...
How not to be jealous of the husband to the child from the previous wife
Hello girls! Today I will tell you how I managed to get in shape, lose 20 kilograms, and finally get rid of creepy complexes of fat people. I hope the information will be useful to you!
Do you want to read our materials first? Subscribe to our telegram channel
Inheritance. The husband’s children from their first marriage may claim property and other values acquired by their father in another family. You can not argue with the law, and it is useless to try to fight through court, unless there is a contract between the spouses. If your plans do not include the section of jointly acquired property, then this should be taken care of in advance - before marriage.
The inheritance of the husband’s children from the first marriage can only be received from the father. They have nothing to do with your share. Do not forget that it is necessary to divide between all the heirs of the first stage - children, spouse and parents of the testator. That is, your common child also falls into this category. The rights of the husband’s children from the first marriage are enshrined in legislative acts, so there is no point in fighting for what belongs to them a priori.
Life situations are different, and it may happen that you yourself want to make the child a member of your new family. Or the circumstances will be such that he can no longer live with his own mother. This procedure is quite simple, but will have to collect references. Adopt a child of her husband from his first marriage with your consent alone will not work. Carefully read the list of documents you need:
- Help from the mother about no criminal record.
- Medical evidence of health.
- Certificate of financial position and employment.
- Provide a document stating that you own the property or have the right to use it.
- Certificate of compliance with the premises of all sanitary and technical requirements.
- An act drawn up by the guardianship bodies, confirming that a survey of living conditions has been carried out.
- The marriage certificate with the father of the child.
Before you begin collecting the necessary documents, you need to get the consent of the mother. In the event that she is not deprived of parental rights. Or it is necessary to prove that she has not been taking care of the baby properly for some time without good reason. Then you should submit an application to the court and collect documents for the child:
- The conclusion from the medical institution about health.
- Information and characteristics of the school or kindergarten.
- Consent of the child (if he is older than 10 years).
The court takes place behind closed doors, and it is prohibited by law to disclose its results. After you have adopted a husband's child from his first marriage, he loses all contact with his biological mother. A change will be made in the birth certificate, and your last name will be in the "mother" column. From this point on, you are equal to the parent and have all the rights and obligations with respect to the child.
Adult children from the husband's first marriage can adequately make the decision of the father, and you will not have any trouble. But it may happen that at first glance they will hate you. There are several reasons for this and all of them are most likely not related to you. For them, another woman will become a natural obstacle to meeting her father. In addition, not everyone will like sharing their parent with someone else’s woman. What should be done in such situations?
First, you need to be patient. Children do not know you as well as their father, and therefore do not yet understand how to react to your appearance in the family. Over time, they will be able to see you from all sides and find positive qualities. Secondly, do not try to penetrate their personal space. If they themselves do not reach out to you and do not ask questions, then you do not need to insist that they share their secrets. The monosyllabic “yes” and “no” answers indicate that the child is not yet ready for heart-to-heart talk.
Do not try to impose your opinion. Adult children already have their views and they do not need your moralizing. Present your statements as advice or a wish. Never allow yourself, even in anger, to speak unflatteringly about their mother. Whatever she is, she will always remain their mother and they will take her side. Even one word can hopelessly ruin your relationship with your husband's children from your first marriage.
Do not try to interfere with their communication with the father. One day it can go sideways. After all, they will always be his children, but he can change his wife at any time. You should not get up on a slippery slope - you may be left out of the family boat.
One of the most painful topics for women who married a man with children. What if you are jealous of her husband for children from his first marriage? Family life will never be peaceful - at any moment children may need a father and he will have to come to the rescue. Weekends will have to be shared with children, and not every woman will like it. At some point, anger and jealousy will come. Why is the legitimate wife forced to stay at home and wait for her beloved husband while he spends hours of rest with his child? Inevitably such a situation will lead to scandals and clarify the relationship.
Psychologists advise children of the husband from the first marriage not to push away and to spend leisure time by the friendly company. Another thing, if the child himself does not want to share with you a rare clock. In this case, it is better to just have patience. At adolescence dates will be reduced in time and will not be so regular.
How to take the child's husband from his first marriage?
If you are facing such a serious change in life, then you should understand a few simple truths. The most important rule - do not try to love a child as your own. This is not your child, and even if over time you begin to have tender feelings for him, then these will be completely different emotions, as if he were your own child.
Do not wait for the child to respond feelings. It will take a long time before he gets used to you and starts to trust. Do not force to call mom - you can cause him psychological trauma. If the child is quite small, he will do it without difficulty when the right moment comes.
Try to spend more time with your child doing common things. It should be not only games, but also various household processes. Joint interests will help you not only get closer, but also establish a strong emotional connection. Unobtrusively ask the child about his hobbies. Perhaps among them there is something interesting for you.
Do not treat the child as a son or daughter of the ex-wife. First of all, it is the blood of your husband and the brother or sister of your child. They have one father and they are considered relatives. Treat him like one of your family members. Do not infringe upon his rights, but do not focus all attention on him.
No need to surround the child with excessive attention. Even children feel the falsehood very keenly, and you do not need any distrust on their part. Be courteous and helpful, but do not try to fulfill every whim. You can become a hostage juvenile sly. If you got a difficult child, you will have to be patient and try to educate him as your own.
If you have children from first marriage
This situation is also not uncommon. What if the husband does not love the child from the first marriage? The main reason for this behavior of a man is that for him a son or daughter from another person is a daily reminder that you had another life before him, and you loved another person. He constantly sees this fact before his eyes. He loves you, but he dislikes a child because he has to divide your attention. Problems begin at the moment when the spouse begins to unjustifiably find fault or even punish and raise his hand. You can not close your eyes to what is happening. To stand on the side of the child - it will only further exacerbate the conflict. Conversations and arguments here will not help - you need to contact a family psychologist, until the situation has led to tragedy.
Children from their first marriage, the second husband may even love no less than their own. Especially if you have no common child yet. The situation may change when children appear in this marriage. The spouse can switch all the attention to their own baby and stop caring for their elders. If he does not begin to show aggression towards your children, then this is a normal situation. Your child will be in the first place and his needs are taken into account in the priority order.
It is a completely different story if the husband does not love his child from his first marriage. There are several reasons for this. Perhaps the first wife cheated on him, and he is not sure of fatherhood. Either the spouses initially had very bad relations, and the child only aggravated the situation. There are ladies who, with the help of pregnancy, force men to marry. From such a marriage, too, do not expect anything good.
You don't need to do anything in this story. Это отношения вашего супруга и его предыдущей семьи.You should not try to make him love his child or force him to meet with him. Enough timely payment of alimony. The husband himself must understand his feelings and you should not take sides.
Nurturing the senses
Sometimes you can hear the following phrase from women: “I hate the husband’s child from their first marriage!” Such strong emotions appear with time, and not after first glance. A woman can not just dislike the child. He is not a threat to family happiness, unless the former spouse manipulates the common child for his own benefit. But any woman will immediately feel such moments, and you need to deal with her husband and his ex-wife, but not with a child. Children do not give an account of what they are doing, if mom says that this will help return dad to the family, then it means that everything that she says should be done.
Another thing, if the child is already old enough and he is responsible for his actions. He is not obliged to love you, and hatred of someone else's aunt who has selected his father, can push on any actions. But this does not mean that a woman should do the same. Do not make scandals involving the culprit in them. Do not try to appeal to conscience and prove him wrong - this will further incite him against himself. You should always look for an approach and explain that there is no fault of your parents in divorce If you bring the information to the child and change its attitude towards you, hatred will soon disappear from both sides. It is important to understand that the child himself has become a hostage of this situation and is not at all easier for him. Make him an ally, not an enemy. Allow what the mother absolutely forbids (reasonably). Make presents and create a pleasant atmosphere for him. That he felt necessary and could reciprocate you. You should also remember that the child will not disappear anywhere even after 10 years. It is best to start making contact with him while he is still small and open to everything new.
How to make contact
If the husband has children from his first marriage, then sooner or later you will have to communicate with them. Not always a man will spend time with them in public or in the house of his ex-wife. The second option is not for everyone. Invariably there will be thoughts that he is having a good time there and one day he may never return. It is better to always keep the situation under control. Do not prohibit bringing children into your home.
Making friends with a child is not so easy. You initially became for him the man who destroyed his family. Even if the divorce occurred at the initiative of his mother. Do not try to become the second mother of your husband’s children. It will not lead to anything good - you can make an enemy in the person of the former spouse. It is better to become a confidant or an older friend who can tell what is carefully hidden from her mother.
Baby can tell funny stories from his childhood. Older children will be interested to learn about your first love experiences. Give advice and substitute a friendly shoulder. Psychologists advise children of the husband from the first marriage not to lisp, but to treat them as equals. If your child has learning problems, help as much as possible. Do not force to sit on textbooks, but simply prompt and explain.
If you pass the nerves
Irritating children of her husband from his first marriage? Take a break and temporarily refuse to communicate. In those days when a spouse brings a child to your home, dedicate yourself to your beloved. This can be a trip to the hairdresser, shops, beauty salon or just visit friends. You can not bring the situation to the moment when you go to scream or make a scandal. The husband will not thank you for this, and the child will regard you as the number one enemy.
An adult should understand that children are often selfish and consider their father as their property. For them to see how he hugs and kisses you is stress. Leave the manifestation of feelings until the time when you will be alone. Look for the cause above all in yourself. Why do you annoy a child? Laughs out loud, screaming or making tantrums? Criticizes your lunch or says your mother cooks better? Ask what he would like and what he likes. Gradually exclude all factors that cause irritation. It is not difficult at all, you just need to be attentive.
Jealousy of the husband's child from the first marriage
So, your husband was already married once, even got the status of "father", but something did not grow together with them, they decided to disperse, the court left the child with the mother (normal practice). Previously, the beloved woman became the “ex-wife”, but the children, as is known, are not the former. Children are those people who remain in a man's life forever.
In the life of a normal man, I immediately want to clarify. After all, there are “nedotoportsy”, which in court receiving the coveted document, they simply evaporate from the life of their children, without being manifested in it even banal financially. But your spouse is a man of honor, and leaving his first family, continues to participate in all her problems. And suddenly you suddenly realized that more and more often a lump of anger, jealousy and resentment rises to the throat. Let us see why these feelings appear.
The passions in the family - this is probably the very first cause of female discomfort. This is especially acute when the mother-in-law (or both parents) begin to show negative attitudes towards you. And well, if you and your spouse met after a divorce, and if not? If he just left the family to you? Then, of course, all relatives will be against you, pitying the child and ex-wife. And on the one hand, they can be understood: it’s hard to see children's tears, but on the other hand, it was your husband’s choice, he made a decision for himself.
Financial red tape
Sometimes it becomes bitter from the realization that all the funds that could go on your life together, arranging a family nest, traveling, and so on, go into the family of the former wife. Many young wives are simply indignant: the ex-spouse has already found a new man for herself, so why does so much money go out of our family budget? Obligations before the court - yes, alimony. But I don’t want to spend over that money.
Frequent meetings with the child
Long and frequent meetings with the child from the first marriage are very painful. You have recently got married, you have not had time to enjoy your status of “spouse”, weekends and so few, it happens that they do not coincide with the husband’s holidays, and on this rare day of possible joint rest, your husband leaves home. And you are flipping through the news feed of the social network all day long and sharing your grief with your girlfriend.
A child in your family
And it’s okay if the husband just left to play with the child - many men have a strange desire to bring their son / daughter to his home. Or take the child on your walk with him. And, of course, such walks immediately lose their romance: the husband is interested in what the child wants, you all go where the little man asks. In other words, you for the spouse for this period of time recede into the background.
The behavior of the child from the first marriage after dating
Before developing a tactic for dealing with a baby or teenager born in a previous relationship, one should be prepared for the following consequences of the intended contact:
- Complete disregard for the child. This is especially possible when the little person is in a state of deep shock due to the separation of his parents. If a third object-destroyer of family happiness appears on the horizon of beloved fathers or mothers, then the children may demonstratively not make contact with him. They will not understand the origins of the problem, because they have not yet learned how to give a clear rationale to the causal factors that have arisen.
Frank aggression in a child. Not all children are able at a certain stage of their development to control their own emotional state. Anyone a stranger in the family becomes an unconscious signal of the threat to their established little world. Some young rebels begin to aggressively irritate their factor so actively that they will not give a single chance to the new elect of their parent.
Jealousy of a half-brother / sister. When creating a new family where there are already children from previous relationships, adults should get ready for the bombing of a time bomb. Not every child will immediately find a common language with a peer who, for whatever reason, did not like it. In the same case, adults artificially try to make intimate friends their children from previous marriages. The result - a rather predictable “pillow fight” is clearly not in the format of a girl's party between new relatives unwillingly. The situation is even more complicated if one of the step children is significantly less in age. After all, it is known that the little ones need more attention, so the older one sometimes feels undeservedly forgotten, jealous and angry. There are frequent situations when he begins to act quietly, committing petty dirty actions on behalf of the younger.
Rejection of a newborn child in a new marriage. The previous problem can be brought to a critical point if an adored mom or dad gets another baby in a new relationship. Not always, even a brother or sister who is purely blood-related causes emotion when the attention of adults, after his birth, switches exclusively to a small object of adoration. In this case, elementary jealousy and the feeling that a betrayal in favor of the newborn child is triggered.
Excessive Attention. If peace and complete understanding reign in the family, then it simply does not make sense to resort to the sounded measures for children. Sometimes their dumb cry is not seen by adults who are too passionate about the device of their personal lives. Children sometimes do not know how to behave in this situation, and begin to give obvious SOS signals to their parents in all sorts of ways.
Frank provocations by the child. If the voiced cries for help are not heard by the fathers and the mothers who are absorbed in new relationships, then the children from lovely angels can turn into dirty dogs and manipulators. At any time of the day, they are ready to organize a critical situation for them, which in most cases is artificially created.
Involving a third party in a conflict. If a couple breaks up in the presence of a common child, then adults should not be surprised by the offspring’s complaints about a new hobby of parents. At the same time, the principle of the “servant of two masters” can work, when a small provocateur from this situation tries to get the maximum benefit by actively using the feeling of guilt in front of him. Quite often, parents begin to “scream” the child in order to somehow brighten up the shock of what is happening. As a result, this leads to significantly growing demands, whims and blackmail from the “offended”. Children are very sensitive to such situations, trying to extract the maximum benefit in their favor. This is especially characteristic of teenagers.
Public involvement in quarrels. After connecting to the ensuing battles of the inner circle, when extraneous aunt or uncle appeared on the horizon of one of the parents, the children, hurt by these events, can start fights on a more massive scale. They will be important to the opinion of every adult who is able to condemn what is happening together with a little victim who has a severely traumatized psyche.
It is impossible to unconditionally assert the fact that communication with children from the first marriage will end in such a pitiable way. It all depends on adults who, with the help of acquired wisdom, should build communication with the child in such a situation with the utmost foresight.
Mistakes when communicating with a child from first marriage
Some people, considering themselves to be experienced teachers, while not even having their own children, often make such mistakes when they contact a partner’s child:
- Familiarity. Shirt-guy communication does not always justify itself when it comes to children from the first unsuccessful experience of a relationship between a man and a woman. The wrong decision would be to erase the age limits when meeting and further communicating with the son or daughter of the new lover. In this case, it is necessary to observe the relevant subordination, which, however, should not develop into stiffness and excessive coldness.
Club "I want to know everything". From the very first moments of a dialogue with a new family member, it is not worthwhile to extort from him all the details of what is happening to him. Such actions may, at best, alert the small interrogated person, and at worst, will cause aggression in him with such tactlessness on the part of an outsider. The child is not always ready to open his bloodline, what can be said for someone who considers a new partner of a parent to be the destroyer of their happy family. On the whole, there are children who are not ready to let anyone into their inner world except a close friend or mother.
Jerking gifts. At the first alleged contact with a child from a previous marriage, you can prepare a small gift for him, having learned in advance about the preferences of the new acquaintance. In the future, it is worth more accurate to treat systematic offerings in a more serious monetary equivalent at the slightest request of a small extortionist. All this from the outside will not look like an act of a generous person, but a frank bribe of feelings from an adult who invaded a foreign (even if destroyed) family. If you continue to regularly appease the little tyrant with gifts, in the end it will lead to extreme pamperedness and relationships only at the consumer level.
Incorrect comparison. This situation implies the presence of children in previous relationships with both partners in the resulting pair. Experts strongly do not recommend diminishing the dignity of one child in relation to another, even under the condition that such a comparison is obvious and justified.
Excessive adult activity. Better coaxing a child from his first marriage with gifts may be heightened fussiness around him by the new elect of one of his parents. In some cases, overly enterprising individuals try to surround these children with the utmost care, which sometimes looks very ridiculous. The exception is a toddler or teenager who has become semi-orphan and needs, at first, increased care and care. And even in this case, it is necessary to act with extreme caution, trying at first to observe the boundaries of personal space.
How to behave properly with a child from a previous marriage
First of all, it is necessary to remember that it is easy to break an unformed little person. However, this does not honor the adults who are engaged in such experiments. To establish adequate communication with the child from the first marriage is sometimes quite difficult, but with a positive result, you can get a lot of positive emotions from the event.
Making contact with the child's wife from the first marriage
As the statistics testifies, men in some cases solve the sounded problem more difficult. The child's wife from his first marriage sometimes leads to a stupor with his questions and behavior even fathers with experience raising their own children.
Psychologists, realizing the whole problematic nature of the voiced situation, developed a number of recommendations for its painless resolution:
- Inviolability of personal territory. A stranger man is more difficult to perceive children who in the past have been victims of either the divorce of their parents, or the passing away of the life of the pope. This is especially true of boys, who zealously protect their mother from the encroachment on her by other representatives of the stronger sex. In this case, everything depends on the age of the child, because during the period of infancy he is not able to realize the changes that have occurred in his family. If a man wants to link his fate with a woman who brings up a teenager, then he needs to respect him, if not completely established life position.
Maximum tact in dealing with a new wife. The times of demonstrative manifestation of mutual feelings in the eyes of the entire public were over when the couple acquired offspring. A man, when meeting and furthering contact with the children of his passion from the first marriage, must understand that at first it may be unpleasant for them to watch the idyll of the show for the formed couple. В данном случае представителю сильного пола нужно проявить максимальную дипломатичность, чтобы некорректным поведением не травмировать и так уже пострадавшую от ошибок взрослых маленькую личность. Если проще, то максимально допустимая ласка — объятия при ребенке. Поцелуи, пощипывания за попу и прочие интимные ласки должны остаться за дверьми родительской спальни.
Метод позитивного примера. Every man, if he decided to start a serious relationship with a woman who already has a child / children from a previous marriage, should carefully consider their further behavior towards them. There are no ideal people, but self-sufficient individuals always live not on display, but according to generally established ethical principles. It is important to demonstrate to the child or teenager what it means to comply with the laws of morality, if the biological unfortunate father has not taught him that.
Reasoned financial support. As already mentioned, to indulge in unreasonable investment of the child from his first marriage is not worth it. However, in many cases, a man falls in love with a woman with an offspring, whose family is extremely constrained in cash. It is not necessary to bribe a child from his first marriage, but to make him feel a strong male shoulder in terms of some pocket expenses will not hurt.
Finding points of contact with the child's husband from his first marriage
The opinion that a woman can easily find a common language with a child or teenager of her beloved does not always correspond to the truth. Some ladies have a hard time overcoming the feeling of jealousy, if initially they are one hundred percent property owners by nature.
The following expert recommendations will help to eliminate this negative feeling and establish contact with the child of a new elect:
- Minimum questions with maximum information. Female intrusiveness is good only when catching fleas, as life practice has proved more than once. However, no one forbade the use of some trick in order to unobtrusively find out some details that relate to a new little friend. In no case can not ask him about his mother, who is unlikely to enjoy such an interrogation with addiction. Another exception to the rule is the child or the husband’s children from their first marriage after the betrayal of their parent or her tragic death.
Do not try to replace the parent. In situations in which a man for one reason or another brings up offspring alone, a woman must take her place. You should not try to become native from the first minutes. You just need to show yourself as a caring mistress, in order to endear children. Everything has its time, over time, if they wish, they will be able to treat the new wife of their father as if they were their own mother.
Properly organized leisure. Each woman, if she possesses a certain amount of worldly wisdom, can find an approach to the blood of her beloved person. In this, she will be helped by an analysis of the preferences of the child of the new elect, after which it is possible to act according to the plan developed. It is necessary in a very correct form to offer him an interesting free time, naming at the same time as a variant a previously recognized hobby or an enticing institution. You can also take on certain activities, for example, those on which the child has long wanted to go, but could not, because Dad is at work. In this case, there will be enough time to get to know each other better without the influence and scrutiny of the events of the father or other members of the household.
How to behave with children from the first marriage - see the video:
How to avoid blackmail
If a child is quite often in your home and does not have tender feelings for your person, then a moment may come when he decides to manipulate you. Children are very creative and in order to get what they want, they can go for provocations and blackmail. A child with innocent eyes declares that if you refuse to buy him a new phone, he will tell your dad that you are beating him. And show fresh bruise. Or even worse, if you injure yourself. And then try to prove that these are insinuations. The standard position of native parents: "The child will not lie!". Will be. And make it easy and without any internal resistance.
The young blackmailer must be stopped immediately - once you give in and you’ll be on his hook for many years. Do not be afraid of scandals and fights, it is better to immediately discuss the situation and stop any attempts to make you a sponsor. If you understand that the child will not stop and will continue to harass you with threats, then it is better to act harder. The next time he demands something from you, pretend to agree. Take the phone and turn on the recorder. Then tell the child that you have changed your mind and will not buy anything, because by blackmail you cannot achieve anything. Record the entire conversation, which will contain all the facts of extortion, and give the record to her husband. Now this is his problem. The next time the child wants to resort to this method, no one will believe him.
In any case, you should not go on about these children. This will not only destroy your marriage, but also bring a lot of problems psychologically. You should not depend on the mood or fads of the child.
How to accept a child of a husband from his first marriage is a question that many women ask.
Once in such a difficult situation, a woman can choose one of the following behaviors for herself:
- The ideal option is to make an attempt to build optimally trusting relationships with the husband’s children, adjusting to his character and needs.
- Completely ignore the children of the spouse from the first marriage.
- Try to build a familiarity relationship with the child of your second half from the first marriage.
- Demonstration of complete indifference to this whole situation.
Such a situation is especially acutely experienced by a woman preparing to become a mother. Hormonal storms, gained weight, poor health and other “charms” of pregnancy considerably lower the self-esteem of the future mommy, whose feelings are already exacerbated at this moment.
A woman should tune in to the fact that a spouse will spend a certain amount every month on a child from her first marriage. Sure, not everyone will like it; nevertheless, nothing remains but to come to terms with it. The only thing that is in the power of a woman is to discuss with her husband exactly what amount he will spend on the child or children.
Your spouse, being a good person, should, as far as possible, devote some time to their children from their first marriage. To avoid conflicts on this basis, you need to discuss in advance the specific time of your meetings with your former family with your spouse. When the child can come to visit you, you need to decide together.
Calls from ex-wife
Calls of the former spouse, as well as the child himself should not be a surprise for you. And this kind of anxiety will not necessarily be connected with any vital issues.
A woman who can say: “a jealous husband towards children from her first marriage” should reconsider her attitude to the situation. This jealousy is nothing but your attitude towards your spouse's first wife. However, in order not to spoil the relationship with your spouse, jealousy will have to be relegated to the background.
To save further family life from worries and anxieties about this, you need to gain wisdom, spiritual strength and take all necessary measures in order to gain favor and trust of your unwanted child.
Calls at any time of the day
Deliver certain discomfort calls to young wives. From the child, from the ex-wife. Frequent problems that your husband has to solve. And it happens that jealousy takes breath: it seems as if the spouse will leave to help and will not return. It seems that these calls and SMS are a threat and danger to your ideal marriage.
The child's husband from his first marriage is annoying: what to do?
How to reconcile with this state of affairs? How to take the presence of a child in the life of your spouse and stop hating him?
1. Put yourself in the shoes of the child. If you are lucky and you grew up in a full-fledged family of your parents, then this is a great happiness. And if you, too, once your father left with his mother alone? Remember this period and your feelings. The child is not to blame for the fact that the parents did not suit each other in living together.
2. Imagine for a moment that your husband has left you with a child in his arms and his new passion does not allow his father to meet his child. What is it to you? And what will be the child? Think about it.
3. Do not interfere with the communication of your spouse and his child, and try not to be third in these meetings. Let all these dates take place in private, so that each side can enjoy each other's company.
4. Do not worry about the financial side of the issue. If your husband was originally ready to support two families, help your child, give him the opportunity to be a man. It seems to you that too much money goes? Talk to your husband about it unobtrusively. Any question is better to discuss, rather than sit, holding a grudge.
5. Try to become a child friend. It is difficult, but quite real. Do not impose, do not give unnecessary gifts, just be open for communication to a good friend. The child is also a man, he will understand everything, you just have to talk. And most importantly: do not respond to provocations. Children are a reflection of their parents and often repeat thoughtlessly those phrases that their parents uttered in their stupidity at home. If suddenly a child with you said something unpleasant about you, skip past the ears. The former wife, of course, is indignant and can say such things at home, and the child simply absorbs all the information like a sponge. Your task is to show the opposite, that the new woman’s father is no worse than the mother, just the parents did not work out. It happens. The child will grow up and he will understand it.
6. Take care of yourself. Start to improve your self-esteem. After all, as a rule, people with low conceit are jealous. Fitness centers, beauty salons, hiking with friends in a cafe, learning new languages, florist courses, whatever you like, choose to your liking. It is human nature to think and analyze a lot when he is idle. Take care of yourself and take care of yourself. When every minute is scheduled, you simply will not have time to sit and worry.
7. Become support and support for your husband, he needs it. He created this situation and is now between two fires. He wants to please everyone and not to offend anyone, because, in one way or another, both you and the child from his first marriage are people dear to his heart.
And finally, I would like to wish you wisdom. A wise woman knows that there are no alien children. That is why so many women adopt and adopt babies from orphanages. And how many women leave the maternity hospital with two babies, behind the scenes of the public, by agreement with the doctors, taking the abandoned infant along with their newborn baby?
As long as you do not have your child, you may not understand this, but sooner or later the maternal instinct will wake up. Look at your man's child as his little copy. You do love this man? So, you can love his tiny piece. And what's the difference who carried and fathered the baby with the eyes and smile of your native man?
Like this article? Share with your friends:
Everything is so perfect, honey ... In life, alas, in a different way ...
The phrase: “there are no other people's children!”
The article was written by a woman who has never experienced grief, problems and the hatred of "other children."
It is good to write about what you do not know and to reason theoretically ...
Fully agree with the previous author! It is good to talk about what he personally did not come across. Gold words.
If you want to be happy with your husband, do not drag the child out of the husband's first marriage to the house out of kindness and naivety. Itself contributed to this communication, and then this adult son of her husband did everything for us to break up. Now you think about the people who write such articles and form the public consciousness, without understanding the topic at all. And such fools like I read it and put into practice. And then they remain without a husband, and such a major son is in chocolate.
Brad. Why look at him and try to love. He has a mother. I am an enemy for him by default.
And if children are a copy of mommy, that is, the first wife. How to love them. I didn’t want to write — I hate networking gatherings, but these psychologists got it. And most importantly, they are becoming more and more problems. From the height of my age and observing the situation from the inside, I can convincingly declare that the second and so on marriages with a children's dowry are hopeless hemorrhoids. Everybody suffers. And only parents — these are their mistakes, I would say a crime of a kind. So they should "sit out" for it. In the literal sense, until the majority of children until the latter begin to understand this themselves. As for certified advisors, I would like to know more about them later and when “time will tell”. And also honor and praise to mothers with foster children, but these are few as other unique phenomena of life.
Second wife or between two fires ↑
New love is an inspirational feeling leading to the creation of a strong family. But both spouses had their own life before the fateful meeting - a hobby, friends, and sometimes even children.
A child, unlike his wife, is never ex. Therefore, a young woman needs to accept her husband's past. And then build a harmonious relationship with his son or daughter.
Despite all the inner experiences, the young wife is obliged to accept that the man will pay attention to her child and spend money on him.
Jealous husband to the child from the first marriage ↑
Jealousy never arises out of nowhere. We experience this painful feeling when the closest person spends his valuable time not on our loved ones, but on a stranger.
Most often, a woman is jealous of her husband for a child when he:
- Spends with your baby your free time.. For example, a husband and child went to the movies for the weekend, and the young wife stayed at home. It is clear that such a “appearance” will be painful for any woman.
- Takes him to rest together. A young woman wants to spend a long-awaited vacation alone with the faithful, and not engage in someone else's child (even if she is polite and well-mannered).
- Helps money. It seems to the woman that the husband spends an excessive amount of money on a child or ex-wife. While the “wasted” finances could go to the construction of a joint happiness.
- Often meets with baby. Most of all women are bothered by the arrival of another child in the apartment where she lives with her husband.
- Calls ex-wife or child. In most cases, such calls are due to the need for financial assistance. But the young wife finds in this a completely different subtext. It seems to her that the faithful continues to show interest in his ex-wife.
Another complicating point is the ratio of mother-in-law to the child. She will defiantly patronize and pamper him. Such a display of care is due to the grandmother's kindred feelings. For her, a grandson or granddaughter is a priori a native person, and not just a child.
How to come to terms with paternal care and not waste your nerves? This is described in detail in the next section.
What to do ↑
The most important thing is to understand that the problem is taking place. And just stop being jealous of a child for her husband will not work. We'll have to work on ourselves - learn a new pattern of behavior and increase self-esteem:
- Do not interfere with the communication of the husband with the child. They both have every right to do so.
- All meetings of the child with her husband should be held in tete-a-tete. If the visit takes place in your apartment, leave the room under any plausible excuse.
- Try to make contact with the child.. It is desirable that he was friendly, and the little man began to treat you as a good friend. This is achieved by simple communication and sincere care for the baby. Gifts can also be made, but they should not look like a bribe. The child feels great when care comes from a pure heart, and when not.
- Determine the amount of money with your husbandwhich he will spend on a child in a month. It will save you from unwarranted feelings of greed. You will stop worrying about the next gift to the baby.
- Take care of yourself, especially - self-development. Here we mean self-education or interest courses. Удивительно, но факт — у интересующихся людей просто не остается времени на ревность. Поверьте, новые знания никогда не бывают лишними. Сначала будет казаться, что курсы занимают ваше драгоценное время. Но лучше потратить два часа с пользой для себя (например, изучая иностранный язык), чем снова анализировать свои чувства к ребенку мужа.
- Повысьте свою самооценку. Ревность возникает у людей, которые низко себя ценят.That is why they so painfully endure the weakening of attention to their person.
Finally, let's say what you should not do:
- show jealousy for someone else's child: this is an exclusively psychological problem, the solution of which depends on you,
- respond negatively about ex-wife your faithful, even if it provokes conflicts.
Your task is to remain steadfast. You can assume that you add a hundred points to your karma. As all difficulties will pass, and you will grow wiser and gain experience.
Situation through the eyes of a child ↑
The key figure of our triangle is a child. The little man has his own vision of the situation. Any child with a divorce is under severe stress. It is connected with the destruction of the usual picture of the world. Now, in the place of his mother, there is an alien woman who does not even belong to him.
In such a situation, many children begin to play manipulators. They are afraid that they will receive less attention, resources and love.
Your task is to maintain friendly relations with the child and not be led to its manipulation. Only with a warm attitude, will the child psychologically accept the changes that have occurred in his life.
Psychologist tips ↑
So, how not to be jealous of her husband for a child? First of all, to internally accept that the manifestation of fatherly feelings for your child from your faithful is perfectly normal.
Your task is to treat smoothly and with respect to the child, to try to find a middle ground. That is - to show sincere interest in him, and not to overwhelm him with useless gifts.
How to communicate with the husband's child?
The most important moment in overcoming jealousy is the right communication with the child. Family psychologist advises to adhere to the following principles:
- Explain gently and calmly to your baby. rules of conduct in your home.
- Do not talk with the child about his mother. Even if he quotes a couple of interesting thoughts of the ex-wife about your cause. Understand that any woman in the status of an ex-wife is influenced by negative emotions. In time, she will calm down and accept the situation.
- Go to a competent soul healer. The family psychologist has experience with similar situations. Therefore, without hesitation, tell him about the situation and follow his recommendations.
Do you know why people are jealous of the past? Psychologist's answer is read here.
How to prevent the jealousy of an older child to a newborn? Read the article.
How to behave with your husband?
Every wise woman understands what responsibility falls on the head of the faithful after the divorce and the new marriage. Being a loving father, a man worries about his child.
It can be said that the psyche of the husband (as well as the child) is currently at the stage of processing and making life changes.
To help the faithful cope successfully with what is happening, the woman is required to display a strong character. Only the warmth and care of a new life partner help a man to become aware of the situation and choose the right strategy for behavior.
Psychologists advise in this period not to load the faithful with their problems, but to organize an interesting leisure. Going to the cinema, museums, exhibitions, or even going to the countryside will come in handy.
The jealousy of young wives for the children of their husbands from past marriages is very common. To get rid of her, you need to build friendships with the child and to engage their lives.
If the child lives with you
It is one thing if a child from his first marriage lives with his mother and only occasionally reminds himself. Another thing, if you live with these children will be in the same apartment.
In order not to spoil the relationship, psychologists advise to follow a number of rules:
- Try to adjust everything so that dad and child spend a while tete-a-tete. Let them walk to the zoo, cinema or visit the rides.
- Do not bribe a child. Children are not fools at all and they feel very well the intentions of other people.
- You should definitely confess to your husband openly that you want to find a common language with his children, but you cannot. Ask his advice on how to do better.
- Try to make time yourself to be alone with your child. Make it clear that you are not his enemy, but with him at the same time.
It is necessary to try to find a middle ground in communicating with the child, not to go on about it, but not to overdo it with the attempts of upbringing.
do not put pressure on the child. he needs time to comprehend and accept the situation.
Wise woman rules
If you live with your husband's child from his first marriage, the advice of a psychologist will come in handy. To stay as natural as possible, a wise woman will use some simple tricks:
- It is unreasonable to impose on the child a spouse the idea that you are better than his mother,
- If children want to communicate, it is not reasonable to deprive them of this,
- You can not overpower her husband with suspicion and certainly do not need to blame him for communicating with the first family. It is best not to recall the jealousy of the former wife and quarrels that flared up about this.
- Try to create the most comfortable environment in your house.
Most importantly, you need to stay honest with yourself and with others. Perhaps after a certain time you will be able to take the children of your spouse into your heart, and the time will be far behind when you could say: I hate the child's husband from his first marriage.