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Parental quarrel: how to behave?

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What if parents quarrel with children? Advice to the child and his parents in this article.

If parents are constantly quarreling with children, no need to think that everything is bad in your family. Of course, while everyone suffers, but conflicts can not be avoided, in fact. This is how family life works. In most cases, all quarrels boil down to three reasons.

It can occur at any time. This is a non-permanent phenomenon, and this is likely to pass. There are just moments in life that are called “critical.”

The thing is, parents have been living with each other for a very long time. And now they just became a bit uninteresting to spend time together.

In this case, conflicts often arise due to trifles. Such quarrels can even be every day. During this period, it is worth supporting parents more and offering to diversify the joint pastime (to start going to the park, to fitness, play complexes, etc.).

Dad or mom works too much, so he gets tired. Therefore, one of the parents appears irritable, he loses interest in what is happening.

This state will soon pass. And sometimes you can help with this: take on household responsibilities for yourself, help with a younger brother or sister (for example, take them to kindergarten or take them away), etc.

This means that one of the parents does not want to share his soul mate with someone. This is more of a character. Jealousy can occur even without reason. In such quarrels there is nothing particularly terrible. Parents about this divorce is unlikely to be.

But if you witnessed a conflict over betrayal, then you just have to wait for the events to develop: some people are able to forgive it, others are not. If the parents decide to stay together, then again, support them more.

Accept your feelings

As we already understood, quarrels between parents are quite normal. Conflicts arise in all, throughout life, even with your friends. That is why I would like to wish you not to withdraw into yourself, but to accept your feelings.

How to apologize to the girl in the SMS, if it is offended? Read here.

Whether you are afraid, or you feel unpleasant, or ashamed, or simply uncomfortable - all this can be. And there is nothing wrong with that. By accepting yourself, you will begin to pay less attention to it and will not withdraw into yourself.

And remember: this is their relationship - now they are fighting, and in the evening they will laugh, so you should not take every quarrel to heart.

In no case do not think that the reason for their quarrels is you. Even when they are fighting over someone who will be watching you at the weekend, it’s not your fault. In this case, they simply cannot plan their time properly. Your fault is not here.

No need to intervene in the conflict of the parents, and even more so to say who is right and who is not. Indeed, in this case, you can not only be rejected (they will tell you: “Do not go, wherever you are not asked!”), But you also haven’t thought about unpleasant things addressed to you that will be thrown away in a temper.

When parents quarrel, the child is superfluous there. In order not to witness conflicts, you must distract yourself.

The ideal option is to go for a walk or go to visit, so as not to be present at the quarrel at all and not to know unnecessary details of the relations of the parents. BUT! To do this, it is worth asking for permission, otherwise "unreacted" dad or mom can then also fall for you.

You can also go to your room and do things: play something, sit on the Internet, draw, etc. In order not to hear their conversation, you can listen to music through headphones.

After a quarrel between parents, you should not approach your father or mother with advice, requests, expressing your opinion, etc. Now this person is not emotionally restrained, and therefore can break on you.

It is better to wait until the passions subside, and each family member will analyze the situation, make their own conclusions and calm down.

In order not to sow even more negative atmosphere in your family, you should not take sides. Remember: in any quarrel both are to blame. Moreover, you do not fully know all the secrets of their relationship, their reasoning, agreement, etc.

Let them understand themselves, and you will remain a loving child who equally respects both mom and dad.

Sometimes it greatly influences the frequency of manifestations of quarrels afterwards. So, parents can feel embarrassed if they find out about how you feel.

However, it is necessary to say something very carefully here! No need to throw in loud words that they ruin your life, that you hate them and that you regret that you were born with them. They are not to blame, this is the essence of a person - to provide themselves with the best conditions. That is why quarrels over money, lack of attention, jealousy, etc. take place.

Remember: in every family, parents quarrel. Perhaps even worse than yours.

So, in order to tell parents about your feelings, you first need to put them together:

  1. This can happen at dinner or watching TV. Parents at this time should be reassured (that is, after a sufficient amount of time after the conflict occurred).
  2. Then, in a calm form, tell your mom and dad that it’s hard for you to see them swear, you wouldn’t want this to happen in your family, etc.

Surely they will not only feel guilty, but will also see in you notes of an adult that deserves special respect.

In some cases, nothing reconciles parents as much as supporting a child. For this you need to tell each family member that you are no longer small, and you already understand a lot.

Cheerfully say that you do not need to spoil your nerves, if you can solve everything peacefully. Share how glad you are that you have such a family, that everyone is alive and healthy - and this is the most important thing! Such words may give rise to the development of a new relationship between dad and mom, because they will understand that you are, in principle, right.

In severely neglected cases, quarrels become unbearable: parents swear every day, do not talk to each other, or even fight, drink. All this is very difficult for a child to watch, so you need to seek help from another adult.

This may be a grandmother, aunt or even a teacher. Why do you need to tell exactly an adult? Because he can understand you and start taking some specific measures in favor of you and your family.

  1. Do not stop swearing at children. Yes, no matter how absurd it may seem, but modern psychologists recommend doing just that. It is necessary for the child to see that quarrels may still be present between the parents. Otherwise, he will build illusions about an ideal family without conflicts, and it will be extremely difficult for him to choose a companion for life. However, quarrels should be kept to a minimum.
  2. Do not insult each other. Control yourself need to. Insults - this is not the norm. And the child should not hear them.
  3. Do not remember what was before. The kid should not know the "pitfalls" from the lives of parents.
  4. Show reconciliation. The child needs to see what follows after a quarrel.

How fun to apologize to a friend, read on.

Do you know how to apologize to mom for absenteeism? You here.

  1. Don't feel sorry for yourself. If you today take all the quarrels to heart, you will doom yourself to suffering. And you don't need this. It is better to take care of your business - parents cool and make peace, so you don’t need to be sad here.
  2. Don't take an example. Nevertheless, if the quarrels are rude, there are fights, alcohol and other things that are unpleasant for you, you should understand that this is not quite normal. Give yourself a promise that later, when you have your own family, you will not use it.
  3. Do not tell everyone about family conflicts with friends. All this can cause ridicule, jokes and unpleasant comments in their favor. Everything that is going on at home should stay there. You can share your “secrets” only with those whom you very well trust. It is better if it is an adult who will not only listen to you with understanding, but also be able to give practical advice in specific situations.

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Misunderstanding

It can occur at any time. This is a non-permanent phenomenon, and this is likely to pass. There are just moments in life that are called “critical.”

The thing is, parents have been living with each other for a very long time. And now they just became a bit uninteresting to spend time together.

In this case, conflicts often arise due to trifles. Such quarrels can even be every day. During this period, it is worth supporting parents more and offering to diversify the joint pastime (to start going to the park, to fitness, play complexes, etc.).

Dad or mom works too much, so he gets tired. Therefore, one of the parents appears irritable, he loses interest in what is happening.

This state will soon pass. And sometimes you can help with this: take on household responsibilities for yourself, help with a younger brother or sister (for example, take them to kindergarten or take them away), etc.

This means that one of the parents does not want to share his soul mate with someone. This is more of a character. Jealousy can occur even without reason. In such quarrels there is nothing particularly terrible. Parents about this divorce is unlikely to be.

But if you witnessed a conflict over betrayal, then you just have to wait for the events to develop: some people are able to forgive it, others are not. If the parents decide to stay together, then again, support them more.

Do business

When parents quarrel, the child is superfluous there. In order not to witness conflicts, you must distract yourself.

The ideal option is to go for a walk or go to visit, so as not to be present at the quarrel at all and not to know unnecessary details of the relations of the parents. BUT! To do this, it is worth asking for permission, otherwise "unreacted" dad or mom can then also fall for you.

You can also go to your room and do things: play something, sit on the Internet, draw, etc. In order not to hear their conversation, you can listen to music through headphones.

Let your parents cool

After a quarrel between parents, you should not approach your father or mother with advice, requests, expressing your opinion, etc. Now this person is not emotionally restrained, and therefore can break on you.

It is better to wait until the passions subside, and each family member will analyze the situation, make their own conclusions and calm down.

Do not stand on any side

In order not to sow even more negative atmosphere in your family, you should not take sides. Remember: in any quarrel both are to blame. Moreover, you do not fully know all the secrets of their relationship, their reasoning, agreement, etc.

Let them understand themselves, and you will remain a loving child who equally respects both mom and dad.

Tell about your feelings

Sometimes it greatly influences the frequency of manifestations of quarrels afterwards. So, parents can feel embarrassed if they find out about how you feel.

However, it is necessary to say something very carefully here! No need to throw in loud words that they ruin your life, that you hate them and that you regret that you were born with them. They are not to blame, this is the essence of a person - to provide themselves with the best conditions. That is why quarrels over money, lack of attention, jealousy, etc. take place.

Remember: in every family, parents quarrel. Perhaps even worse than yours.

So, in order to tell parents about your feelings, you first need to put them together:

  1. This can happen at dinner or watching TV. Parents at this time should be reassured (that is, after a sufficient amount of time after the conflict occurred).
  2. Then, in a calm form, tell your mom and dad that it’s hard for you to see them swear, you wouldn’t want this to happen in your family, etc.

Surely they will not only feel guilty, but will also see in you notes of an adult that deserves special respect.

Give support

In some cases, nothing reconciles parents as much as supporting a child. For this you need to tell each family member that you are no longer small, and you already understand a lot.

Cheerfully say that you do not need to spoil your nerves, if you can solve everything peacefully. Share how glad you are that you have such a family, that everyone is alive and healthy - and this is the most important thing! Such words may give rise to the development of a new relationship between dad and mom, because they will understand that you are, in principle, right.

Ask for help

In severely neglected cases, quarrels become unbearable: parents swear every day, do not talk to each other, or even fight, drink. All this is very difficult for a child to watch, so you need to seek help from another adult.

This may be a grandmother, aunt or even a teacher. Why do you need to tell exactly an adult? Because he can understand you and start taking some specific measures in favor of you and your family.

Psychologist tips ↑

  1. Do not stop swearing at children. Yes, no matter how absurd it may seem, but modern psychologists recommend doing just that. It is necessary for the child to see that quarrels may still be present between the parents. Otherwise, he will build illusions about an ideal family without conflicts, and it will be extremely difficult for him to choose a companion for life. However, quarrels should be kept to a minimum.
  2. Do not insult each other. Control yourself need to. Insults - this is not the norm. And the child should not hear them.
  3. Do not remember what was before. The kid should not know the "pitfalls" from the lives of parents.
  4. Show reconciliation. The child needs to see what follows after a quarrel.

How fun to apologize to a friend, read on.

Do you know how to apologize to mom for absenteeism? You here.

  1. Don't feel sorry for yourself. If you today take all the quarrels to heart, you will doom yourself to suffering. And you don't need this. It is better to take care of your business - parents cool and make peace, so you don’t need to be sad here.
  2. Don't take an example. Nevertheless, if the quarrels are rude, there are fights, alcohol and other things that are unpleasant for you, you should understand that this is not quite normal. Give yourself a promise that later, when you have your own family, you will not use it.
  3. Do not tell everyone about family conflicts with friends. All this can cause ridicule, jokes and unpleasant comments in their favor. Everything that is going on at home should stay there. You can share your “secrets” only with those whom you very well trust. It is better if it is an adult who will not only listen to you with understanding, but also be able to give practical advice in specific situations.

Video: Children and parental quarrels

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Motives parental quarrels

To understand what to do if parents swear among themselves, you must first understand why this happens. Usually adults quarrel for three reasons:

  1. Fatigue. When dad and mom work a lot, they start to get tired. Therefore, parents may experience irritability, which leads to conflicts. This is usually a temporary condition, and it passes quickly.
  2. Misunderstanding. When parents live together for a long time, they often have differences. They do not want to give in to something to each other, which leads to conflicts. Also, disagreements can arise from a lack of communication between mom and dad. With age, their interests are becoming less common, so they spend little time with each other.
  3. Jealousy. This feeling is manifested in the reluctance to share your other half with anyone. It may occur without a reason, but then it is already a part of character.

But what should a child do if parents swear? In such cases, psychologists give the following recommendations to children.

Accept feelings

First of all, it is necessary to understand that quarrels in the family are normal. If papa and mama periodically swear, then there is nothing wrong with that, because they may have different views on some things. Conflicts occur in all. Even an unwitting witness of a quarrel can be unpleasant, scary, embarrassing and simply uncomfortable. You have to accept your feelings, recognize them as normal, and not withdraw into yourself. It is also important to understand that the relationship between mom and dad is just their business and their conflicts are not related to children. Большинство родителей уже через несколько минут забывают про ссору и общаются, как ни в чем не бывало. Поэтому не стоит принимать все близко к сердцу.

Помнить о своей невиновности

Чаще всего ребенок начинает размышлять о том, что делать, если родители ругаются, потому что чувствует в этом свою вину. However, do not blame yourself, even if adults quarrel over who will pick up children from school or look after them at the weekend. The problem here is not the child himself, but the fact that parents cannot agree and plan time.

Keep out

It is clear that the child wants to help something, if the parents strongly swear. What exactly should not be done is to try to intervene in the conflict, and even less to seek the right and the guilty. In this case, the parents will only reject the child, asking not to go where they are not asked. Also, they can thoughtlessly, rashly say unpleasant words to the intervened.

Let your parents cool

Immediately after a quarrel, it is also impossible to approach a mom or dad with tips, statements, requests and other things. Usually, after conflicts, people become emotionally incontinent, so they can break on any person. It is better to wait for the passions to calm down and the parents calm down. Some people need a few minutes to do this, and others need it all day.

Get down to business

Children in adult quarrels are superfluous. In order not to pay attention to them, you need to do something with it. What if parents swear? You can go to your room to listen to music, read a book, play a computer, sit on the Internet, draw, do homework. That is, you need to distract yourself with something.

In order not to hear the conversation of parents, it is better to put on headphones, turn on music or watch a movie. You can go for a walk or go to someone to visit. Only it is necessary to warn dad and mom about it! Personally or leaving a note in a visible place.

Tell about your feelings

Often parents begin to feel embarrassed when they find out that their child is unpleasant when they quarrel. Sometimes it noticeably reduces the incidence of future scandals. But talking about feelings should be careful! You can not throw in loud words, blame anyone, say that you hate your parents, and the like. With parents need to talk calmly, preferably at a joint dinner. Mom and Dad should calm down after the conflict. The child should try to convey to them that he is unpleasant when they quarrel, and he would not want this to happen in his family. Usually after such a conversation, the parents begin to feel guilty and already perceive their child as an adult.

Do not take sides

In a conversation with mom and dad, it is important not to bend the stick and become personal. Psychologists tell children who have come to them about the following: “If your parents swear, what should not be done, so stand on the side of one, even if one of them provokes it.”

It is important to remember that in every scandal both are always to blame. Therefore, one cannot try to single out a good and bad parent. In addition, the child can not know all the details of their relationships, agreements and reasoning. Let them understand each other themselves. It is better for children to remain just children who equally respect and love both dad and mom.

To support

As a rule, parents go to reconciliation more quickly if the child encourages and supports them. It is necessary to make it clear that you are already an adult and you understand a lot. You can say mom and dad something like: “Why shake your nerves, if it is possible to solve everything peacefully? Especially because you still make up! I love you very much and I am very glad (a) that I have such a family! ” Parents will understand that their child is right and may begin to behave differently.

Do not talk about family conflicts to outsiders

Everything that happens at home should not go beyond it. Therefore, it is better not to tell family comrades and other strangers about family scandals. Otherwise, such revelations can cause jokes, ridicule and unpleasant comments. Secrets can be shared only with those whom you strongly trust. Ideally, it should be an adult. He will not only listen with understanding, but also give good advice.

When should I seek help?

Sometimes you just need to tell others about family conflicts. For example, if the house is constantly drink alcohol, if the parents swear and fight. What should the child do in this case? This should be as soon as possible to tell an adult who can take some measures. This may be a grandfather, aunt, teacher or school psychologist. You can dial the helpline for children and chat with experts. If the situation is critical (there is a threat to life), then it is necessary to call the police and ambulance. It should be understood that there will be certain consequences. The family will be interested in the guardianship authorities, which in very difficult cases can deprive the mother and father of parental rights.

What if parents constantly swear?

Of course, in a global sense, children cannot make a difference. Adults will not love each other again if they decide to leave. But until the situation has reached such a point, one can try to reconcile the parents and make them quarrel less.

Often, differences occur due to domestic trifles. So that mom and dad do not conflict about this, you can take on at least some of the responsibilities. For example, washing dishes, vacuuming, doing wet cleaning, taking brother out of the kindergarten, and so on.

You can diversify family life by offering mom and dad to spend time together more often. Entertainment can be any, but necessarily joint, that parents and children took part. It can be a picnic, going to the cinema, walking, camping, sports and more.

Sometimes mom and dad need to spend time only together. Therefore, from time to time you can make surprises for them. For example, to give tickets to the theater, to a concert, to prepare for them a delicious dinner. So they will remember youth and get closer to each other. For the preparation of surprises you can connect other close relatives (for example, a grandmother or aunt).

Also, psychologists advise to ask parents about the period when they were young and they just had children. This will help them remember the best moments of life, how they were in love with each other, expected the first words and steps of the child and much more. Perhaps dad and mom will decide to change their behavior so that there is peace in the family, as before.

These general tips can be used when parents often swear. What to do specifically in this or that case depends on the situation. Detailed advice to solve the problem can give a school psychologist.

The consequences of frequent quarrels

Psychologists often have to tell their parents what permanent home scandals lead to. The child begins to stutter, becomes anxious, withdrawn and irritable. He has nightmares, a nervous tic and enuresis. There may be both a single breakdown and a whole complex. Sometimes outwardly the consequences do not manifest themselves. But over time, you can see that the child shows disrespect for one or both parents. Often, children copy behaviors and already in their families, as adults, are constantly scandalous. Therefore, parents need to take all measures and deal with their relationships so that they do not affect children in a negative way.

So, now we know what to do if parents swear. The child needs to understand that quarrels are normal and not interfere in them. It is better to go about your business and try to distract from the conflict. A child can only help mom and dad indirectly: perform household duties, suggest spending time together, making pleasant surprises. You can never blame yourself for parental quarrels and mention family problems with outsiders. If there is a real threat to life, then it is simply necessary to inform your relatives, teacher or the police.

What to do if parents quarrel - counseling

Useful tips and tricks for girls

Quarrel is an emotional discharge. Not one family can not live without them. It is our life. At least that's what psychologists say. But is it really that good? After all, when parents quarrel, children certainly suffer. Adults do not want to understand that every their quarrel does not pass without a trace for the psyche of their child.

Let's try to figure out why you don't like it when parents quarrel. And everything is very simple. The fact is that when you feel insecure in an adult relationship, you get nervous and lose your sense of security. Perhaps you even feel a sense of fear, anger and resentment. But these are your experiences, and, unfortunately, parents are not interested.

No matter how sad it may sound, but you will have to solve this problem yourself. Yes, you can give your parents to read the literature on the harmful effects of quarrels, you can give them a lecture, you can say directly about your experiences, but ... But without a psychologist, you will not understand.

What then to do? The most important thing is not to intervene, even when they are trying to drag you into conflict. This is their relationship, understand themselves. In order not to injure your psyche just say: “You are my parents, I love you very much, but I categorically refuse to take someone’s position. Understand yourself ". And go away! Better if you go for a walk or go to a friend.

Never panic or exaggerate. Yes, your parents are arguing, but this does not mean at all that they will divorce or love you less. Do not cheat yourself! All is well, believe me.

And do not feel sorry for yourself! No matter how rough it may sound, but you must understand that life is not perfect. You're not a greenhouse plant, which is afraid of everything? Believe me, this kind of stress is necessary for you to temper your character. Take it as an acquaintance with different styles of behavior. Try not to talk about the quarrel at school. Admit it, such things should be kept secret.

But it also happens when parents quarrel very often. Then you should intervene. Simple conversations will not change anything, you have to try hard here. Try to secretly record parents' quarrel on camera, and then show them. Very effective method! You can try to reconcile parents for a romantic dinner. You are already an adult, and you can cook dinner, light candles and find something to do for the evening. You can even give your parents an invitation for a “home date” in the morning. If you are a more romantic person, then you can have an evening of memories. Cover the table beautifully, select the necessary photos, buy champagne or wine and make the parents remember all the beautiful moments of their life together. You know, sometimes it helps a lot. Of course, nobody forbids you and just talk to your parents. Come and say: "I see that you now have a difficult period in life, how can I help you?" This phrase will make parents think about their behavior and make such a daughter like you proud.

Of course, it is possible that your parents constantly quarrel only because they are tired of each other, tired of problems, misunderstanding. In such a tense atmosphere, it becomes difficult to live not only for children. If you have such a situation, then you need to sound the alarm and seek outside help. Ask for help to grandparents, to a family psychologist. Try to convince parents to take a vacation and have a good rest.

It is much more difficult when physical force is also used during an argument. What do you do? Probably the most correct thing is to just leave. There is no opportunity to leave the apartment, then go to your room, turn on the music and just do not listen. Domestic violence is a very serious problem that you cannot solve. The only thing you can do is talk openly with your parents and discover your feelings. And honestly, try to convince your mother to seek help from outside. Violence in the family can not be tolerated. And you can not forgive!

And the most important thing is that you should help your parents in household chores, should try to create less problems for them, study well, should try to become not only a good and obedient child, but also a friend. A good family is a friendly family. Do not forget about it!

Commentary to the article of the psychologist of the Office of the Commissioner O. Bogomolova

I find many sentences in the article on resolving quarrels between parents useful for you, young readers, but I would not have experimented with the sentence “buy champagne or wine” (for an evening of memories). you know that the purchase of alcohol by minors is strictly prohibited by law, which can not be violated! In addition, you can do it easier - brew a delicious fragrant tea that brings together and warms the hearts of your parents who are disturbed by the quarrel. Well, and you understand that " make parents remember all the beautiful moments of their life together", I.e. to force reconciliation is not the best recipe for maintaining warm relationships and positive emotions, and may even lead to the refusal of parents to attend this evening of memories, therefore it is better to offer parents to tell you about the period when you were still a small child. Such stories unwittingly remind parents of one of the best periods in their lives, as they loved each other when they expected your first steps, first words, first grades in school. This is what can “cool” them, give an opportunity to review their behavior, and in the end lead to peace in the family.

Another article gives advice on the need to seek help from the competent authorities, if the quarrels in the family end with the provision of physical violence by one of the parents, which is the right thing to do. Indeed, violence in the family cannot be tolerated, but the phrase “And it is impossible to forgive!” Is extremely categorical and should not serve as a motive to action and appropriate behavior. After all, the situation may change already tomorrow, and your parents will always be yours, and the ability to forgive and release resentment towards close people is very important for any decent person.

16.03.2016

And yet - what to do?

Unfortunately, but our internal statistics show that this article, posted on the site more than two years ago, has constantly attracted the attention of children all these years: weekly, three or four dozen views from all over the country. What does this mean? Only that in many families parental conflicts occur, and children unwittingly become their witnesses, and therefore they worry and seek advice on the Internet.

How can they still be helped, except for standard advice - to contact a school psychologist or grandmother with grandfather? Obviously, you will not give younger advice to younger children, but older children can suggest other ways to reconcile their parents. That is why we decided to write another article on this topic called "And yet - what to do when parents quarrel?".

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